The Last Goodbye
by Geoffery Kahn
Summary: My first novel. Fern Walters, frustrated with her mother and her step-father, is living with an abusive boyfriend. She does not want to leave him because this is her first real love.
1. Chapter 1

A message from the author

Hello, welcome to my first book. Although I have previously published fan fiction before under the name Mr. Hoser, I still consider this to be my first book because it is the first book that I have finished. I started this book in 2011 at a difficult time in my life. Since I have finished it, things have turned out much better. A lot of the difficultness has disappeared, but I still have a long way to go. It took over two years to get the book finished and edited, but I managed to get it done. Also, I have had days where I didn't feel like writing :). I'm especially glad to present this book to you as I have worked especially hard on it. I hope that you find it to be a good read and hopefully you get a taste at what I have to offer as a writer. And now, without further ado, I present to you  
_The Last Goodbye  
_Warm regards,  
Zack (aka Geoffery Kahn)

All copyrighted material belongs to the rightful owners; no copyright infringement intended.

Chapter 1

I get up around 6 PM from a long nap. I find myself alone, so I grab myself a coke, then flip on the news: nothing interesting. I hop onto the computer, play solitaire for a while, and then head to my room and turn on the radio to a soft rock station. While that's playing, I lie on the bed and wait for someone to come home. I'll only be alone for a few more minutes. My boyfriend should be home soon.  
This is my life; not as interesting as some, but more interesting than others. I like the way things are, but I guess it could be better.  
My name is Fern Walters and I live with my boyfriend, Rick, who's an amazing guy. He's the best a girl could ask for. My life wasn't always a good as this. I used to live at home with my parents; god, that was horrible. For the majority of the time, they would be arguing. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. I couldn't stand it, so I left. That was about a year ago; actually, it was a year ago today. I still miss mom, but I know that I can't go back. Not while he's around. I'm talking about my step-father, Mike. I hate him; the way he treats my mother is despicable. I know I should forget it, but I just can't. On a more positive note, I turned 21 a couple of months ago; the feeling of being old enough to drink pleases me, as I have no limits.  
The door opens and Rick walks in. I kiss him and hold him tight; he smiles.  
"Hey, babe, what's all this for?"  
"Nothing," I say, "I just wanted to let you know that I love you".  
He's not buying it  
"Come on, what's really going on?"  
I sigh. "Nothing, it's just...it's just that it's been a year ago today that I moved out."  
He looks at me. "You still miss your parents, don't you?"  
"Only my mother. I hate the way Mike treats her, it's not right."  
"Look, you have to put that aside. You're with me now."  
"I know, but I can't stop thinking about it. You don't know what it's like being away from someone you really care about."  
"No," he says, "but I can imagine that it's hard."  
"It's hard as hell."  
He smiles. "Look, how about we go for a smoke and talk about it, okay?"  
I smile back. "Sure."  
We go outside to the balcony. I sit down and lite a cigarette. Rick is the first to speak  
"Why do you think she's still with him?"  
"I don't know. Maybe she's living in denial. He can be very persuasive."  
"Well, no offense, but your mom can be like that sometimes."  
He's right. Mom didn't stick up for herself when she needed to. Sometimes he would walk all over her and she'd just let him. I'd try to talk to her about it, but she'd just shrug me off. Now I know she's living in denial.  
He changes the subject  
"Look, I'm sorry about last night. I shouldn't have done what I did."  
"It's alright-"  
"No it's not alright. I shouldn't have hit you. It was wrong. I don't wanna be an abusive boyfriend."  
I look at him. "Rick, you're not-"  
"Would you let me finish? I love you and I care about you. If I lost you, I don't know what I'd do. Can you forgive me?"  
I smile.  
"Of course I can. I love you too, and no matter what happens, we can work through it."  
He puts his arm around me. The two of us watch the sun set; it's one of the most beautiful sights I've ever seen. I know that most people wouldn't be like me and stay with him, but there's something about him that I love. Every time I'm near him, I feel like a better person. If he ever left me, I don't know what I'd do. I just have to be thankful for someone like him, and pray that this feeling would never end.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The first time I met Rick, I was at the mall. He wasn't the smartest guy I've ever met, but he was cute. He sat down at the same table as me and started talking; actually, he started flirting.  
"How's the burger?"  
That was his opening line? _Please_, I've heard better opening lines from a movie. He wasn't my type, obviously.  
"Good, I guess," I told him.  
"Is it as good as you?"  
That was totally unacceptable, but I let it slide. I'm not one of those girls who gets offended at things easily. I used to be, but that's another story.  
"I'm sorry who are you?"  
"Name's Rick Connors."  
I looked at him carefully. "And what is it that you want, Rick?  
"Well, I was just thinking, that since you look pretty fine, I was wondering if you would like to go on a date. How's that sound?"  
This guy couldn't be serious.  
"You're joking, right?"  
"Nope. You're one hell of a looker."  
_Are you kidding me?_  
"Look, Rick, get lost," I said as I finished my burger. "There's no w in hell of me ever dating you, okay? So just go on and find some other girl.  
"What's the matter, babe? Afraid you'll fall in love?"  
Babe? Okay, this guy had some serious problems.  
"No, I'm just afraid that it'll be like one big hangover that I don't really need. What the hell's wrong with you anyway?"  
"Nothin'. C'mon, I'll give you one more chance to reconsider."  
"Uh, no thanks. I'll pass," I said.  
"Fine, your loss." Then he walked off; just like that. I couldn't believe it, what a jerk. I didn't tell anyone, because I thought that it wouldn't be a problem, but then I saw him again the next day as I was heading home. He recognized me immediately.  
"Hey, babe, long time no see."  
The babe thing again; I couldn't believe it; this was what he was actually like. We were both 18 at the time, so it's not like he was too old for me or anything, but I really didn't see myself with him. He was too...different.  
"What do you want, Rick?"  
"The same thing I wanted at the mall; a date."  
"Seriously, again? What the fuck is your problem?"  
"Whoa, whoa, no need to get snippy. Why not? What harm could it do?"  
"Uh, look, I know what you're thinking and I'm not interested." I tried to walk away, but he cut me off.  
"Look, all I ask is one date and then you never have to hear from me again. C'mon, it'll be fun. I'll take you out for dinner. I'll even pay, how does that sound?"  
I don't know what I was thinking, but I regret ever thinking it.  
"Fine, we'll go on a date. Only one, though."  
"Great, I'll pick you up tomorrow at eight?"  
"Fine," I said as I walked away. Then I turned back to him.  
"And don't be late okay?"  
All he did was smile and walk away. I told my parents what had happened over dinner.  
"What's he like?" Mom asked as we were having dinner  
"He's a nice guy. He's also kinda cute too? Mom, please, can I go?"  
Okay, so I lied about the nice guy, part, but I had to admit, he _was_ kinda cute. I wasn't going to tell my mother what happened at the mall.  
"Well, I suppose so, but you really shouldn't be talking to strangers, honey."  
Mike spoke up. "Your mothers right, Fern. You have to be careful about who you meet when you're out in public."  
"Well look at you two," I said, "you guys met at a dance. You were strangers at the time, weren't you?"  
"Well, yes…" Mom replied, "…but we're also older and we can handle things differently than you."  
"Mom, I can handle things fine, myself, I'm not twelve. Please, let me go this one time. It's been a while since I've been on a date."  
Mom sighed.  
"I just don't want to see you get hurt again."  
"Mom, I'm not in school anymore, and the last time I checked, I don't really have a social life. This could be my change to get my life back. Please?"  
It was quiet for a while, and then Mike spoke.  
"Alright, we'll let you go, but you have to be home by 10:00 and we have to meet him first, understood?"  
Shit. That's just what I didn't need. I knew I was screwed, because if my parents ever saw what I saw, they'd have my head. I didn't know what to expect next. Next thing I knew, the doorbell was ringing.  
"I'll get it," I yelled from up in my room. I ran towards the door and opened it.  
"Hey, just let me put my lipstick on and I'll be ready to...oh."  
I couldn't believe it, he was gorgeous. He really looked his best. Looking at him made me feel warm and uncomfortable at the same time. Just who was this guy and what were his intentions? I almost felt like calling the whole thing off when he spoke.  
"You look beautiful. I've never seen anyone look the way you do, it's great."  
He really knew me. I'm a sucker for compliments. I looked at myself in the mirror. He was right; I _did_ look beautiful, I just didn't really notice.  
"Thanks, you look great, too."  
Not any sooner did he say that did my mother come to the front door, smiling.  
"Hello, Rick, nice to meet you."  
Rick smiled. "Hello, Mrs. Walters, nice to meet you."  
"It's Wallace, actually. I'm remarried."  
"I'm glad that you let me take Fern out. She's really a wonderful person."  
"Thank you," Mom replied. I knew what was coming next; next was the overprotectiveness of my mother, although it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be."  
"Rick, just a reminder that my daughter has to be back home by 10, is that clear?"  
"Yes, ma'am. I'll try to have her home earlier than that if I can".  
I couldn't believe it. Was this the guy who tried to pick me up with that god-awful tough guy act a few days ago? It just didn't make sense. I really didn't want to think about that too much, so I tried to move things along. I looked at mom; she had a concerned look on her face.  
"Alright, well, we're heading out. I'll call you if I need anything. I'll keep my phone on in case something happens. Bye."  
"Don't worry, Mrs. Wallace," He told my mother, "everything will be fine. We'll be back before you know it."  
I barely got to hear my mom say goodbye when Rick closed the door.  
"So, you ready?" He asked.  
I really didn't know what to say; I was at a loss for words.  
"What the hell was that all about?" I finally asked when we got into the car.  
"What do you mean?"  
"Well, when I first meet you, you've got this attitude, and now you're all "Mr. Nice Guy"+ on my mom. What's going on?"  
"Well, I wasn't gonna act like a dick if front of your mom, was I? C'mon, babe, give me some credit. I'm an asshole, but I'm not an idiot. Now, where do you wanna go for dinner?"  
We chose this 50's diner not too far from where I lived. The place was packed, but then again, it was Saturday night. It was great because they had a live band. I hadn't seen a band in ages, and they were pretty good. The two of us talked, we really talked. It seemed like we clicked on everything from music, to movies, to books, and everything in between. I really liked him; I couldn't believe it, but I liked him.  
"Y'know," he said as he sipped his coke, "I think that people don't realize how lucky they've got it. We complain about the dumbest things, and we keep on complaining, yet we never do anything to change them, all we do is complain. My theory is to just do what you feel is right and don't worry about the rest. Instead of talking about the problem, do something to make it better."  
"You're so right," I replied. "I mean, just yesterday I heard some guys on the radio talking about the government. All they're doing is talking, but they're not saying how we can fix things."  
"Well, what can we do about it? Not much. It's their lives; they can do what they want with 'em."  
We started talking for a few minutes, until the band started playing "Johnny B. Goode". They were playing it really well.  
"Oh, my god I love this song," I said. "C'mon, let's dance."  
I pulled him onto the floor where the dancing was supposed to take place. The two of us started dancing, and eventually drew a crowd. Pretty soon everybody was up from their seats. This was what I was missing; this was what I needed, I just didn't realize it at the time. A slow song came on and I finally experienced what all those people in the movies were experiencing.  
"You're wonderful," he said. "I wish I could dance as well as you could."  
"Well, you're not as bad as you think you are. You're actually quite good."  
"Thank you."  
The two of us talked some more. I couldn't believe what a great guy he was. _This could be the one_, I thought. _This could be the guy I fall in love with._ It wasn't long before he took me home. He walked me to the door. Before I went in, I gave him a hug; just a hug, nothing more.  
"See you around, babe," he said.  
"Yeah," I replied, "See you around."  
As I went inside, mom was sitting at the kitchen table.  
"How'd it go honey,"  
"It was great, mom," I told her. "He's a great guy. We have so much in common. I can't wait to see him again."  
"That's great," she replied. "It's been so long since you've had a date. You deserve it."  
"Mom, he could be the guy. He could really be the guy."  
"I'm happy for you," she said, "just don't jump to conclusions. It may work, and it may not. You just have to take it one day at a time."  
She was right; all I had to do was take it slow. I didn't care about what was going to happen in the future; all I cared about was right now. I knew that everything would be fine. Tomorrow would be another day. Right now? Right now I would get some sleep, and wait for what the future would bring.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Okay, so maybe Rick wasn't such a jerk after all, but i didn't know for sure. I know that last night was one of the best nights of my life. I hadn't felt this good in a long time, so that was a bonus, but I remember the first time we met; it just didn't make any sense. It wasn't long before I saw him again; it was at the park. I sat down beside him.  
"Hey," he said as I sat down.  
"Hey," I replied back. Maybe he _was _a little different.  
"So, how've you been?"  
"I've been good," I told him. "Just waiting until my graduation, and then I'm done with school. What about you?"  
"Finishing painting my apartment, and I'm trying to get a new job, but that's it."  
I looked at him. He smiled. There was something about him, something that I liked. I didn't know what it was, but it didn't matter.  
"Listen," he said, "there's a band playing tomorrow. Wanna check it out?"  
I didn't have to think about the answer.  
"Yes, I'd love to. What time?"  
"8:00."  
"Okay," I said, "that sounds fine. Where are we going?"  
"You'll find out," he told me. "See you tomorrow."  
I didn't know what he had in mind, but, somehow, I trusted him. He picked me up a half-hour before the band started playing. I love riding with him because it helps me become more connected to him somehow. He usually puts on his music from his iPod, but sometimes we listen to the radio. He and I have very different tastes in music; he's more into music like _Ozzy_, while I listen to more easy listening. We both like _Guns 'N' Roses_, and some of today's music, but we can be very different sometimes. He pulled up to what appeared to be a lounge. Was he really taking me to some place fancy? He didn't seem to be the kind of guy to do something like that. The restaurant was called Marconi's. I walked in, and was amazed at the place; it was beautiful. We met the concierge, found a place and sat down. We both ordered our food and it arrived within twenty minutes. I still felt nervous, but not as much as our first date. We had just started eating, when the walked on stage and started playing. I had my eyes on the singer; she was good. More than good, she was professional.  
_That's gonna be me someday_.  
It was good that Rick didn't hear. I didn't want him to know, I just watched. They were doing a good set; some modern songs with the ones that most people knew. We started getting into it; I was tapping my feet along with the music, keeping time. The band walked off after a while and Rick looked at me.  
"What do you think?" he asked.  
"I like it." I said. "How did you find out about this place?"  
"I was just out for a walk and I went here to get a bit to eat. I like the food, so I came back a couple of times."  
"Good choice," I said smiling.  
"Thank you."  
The food was amazing. It was a bit pricey, but i thought what the heck; treating myself wouldn't kill me. The band came back and played another set; more jazzy this time.  
"So, do they have a band every night?" I asked.  
"Yeah, pretty much. Some nights the audience really gets into it, but I guess not tonight. Besides, it's not like it's Friday or something."  
"You'll have to take me on a Friday."  
"If I can afford it." He laughed at his own joke. This was the only time we had gone. We didn't have much money, so this was a real treat to go to a place like this. It changed my mind about him, too. I realized that he wasn't really what I thought he was. Maybe it was just an act to ask me out, at least that's what it seemed like. We left and got into his car. He took the long way home and I we got to know each other. I knew why he did it too, but it was nice that he didn't try to pull anything. He saw me to the door and said goodnight. I wasn't ready for a kiss; I was waiting for the right moment. Mom waited up for me like last time.  
"How did it go?" she asked.  
"It was great, mom," I told her. "We went out to a fancy restaurant and saw a band playing. We had a great time."  
"That's great, Fern," she said. "I'm happy for you."  
"Mom, do you think that he could be the one?"  
"Wait and see. You never know what could happen."  
"I think I'm in love with him mom," I told her. She smiled and told me to take it one day at a time. I went up to my room, and laid on my bed, with a big grin on my face. He was the one; I just knew it. I couldn't wait for the next date. Looking back now at what she said about you never know what could happen, she was more than right.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I've dated a few guys before. Some were jerks, others were great, but I could never find someone that I could keep. Before Rick, there wasn't really anyone I felt close to. Well, actually, that's not true. There was one person. His name was Patrick. _He_ was probably the best one I ever dated. I still think about him sometimes. No offense to Rick, but Patrick was more of a real person. We met at a coffee shop when I was 16. I bumped into him accidentally as I was heading to my table and spilled my coffee.  
"Ah, shit," I said as my cup fell to the floor. I went to pick it up when I saw another hand reaching for it. I looked up, and there was one of the most gorgeous looking guys that I had ever met. He smiled  
"Here, let me get that for you," he said, as he handed me the cup.  
"Thanks," I replied. When I looked down at my coffee, there was about a half of a cup left. What a waste of money.  
"Sorry about the coffee," he said. "How about I buy you another cup?"  
How could I refuse free coffee? I accepted. I told him what I wanted and he paid for it, which was nice of him; then after that, he was gone. I didn't see him until a week later at a music store. He noticed me first.  
"Hey don't I know you from somewhere?"  
I didn't recognize him until he told me about the incident at the coffee shop.  
"Oh yeah," I said. "Thanks again for the coffee."  
"No problem," He said. "I'm Patrick."  
"Fern," I replied.  
"Well, Fern," he said, "what brings you here?"  
"Well, I've heard about this indie group and I wanted to pick up their album."  
"It wouldn't be _The Sounds_, would it?"  
I was shocked.  
"Yes, how did you know?"  
"I follow up on the indie scene a fair bit. I really like them."  
"Same here," I replied.  
We talked for a few more minutes, and then...  
"Listen, do you wanna go out some time?" he asked  
"You mean like a date?"  
"Yeah," he said, "Is that alright with you?"  
I immediately said yes. He was really cute, and a nice guy if I may say so myself. We made the date on the weekend. When he showed up my parents were really impressed. He wore a nice suit, which was fine, because I had one of my best dresses on. He met my folks, and then we took the bus to this fancy restaurant downtown. It was amazing; the food was great and the band was awesome. At the time, I was started getting into the indie scene, so it was fitting that we saw an indie group. I could tell that he was one of the good guys. I don't know why, but somehow I knew. It was very similar to the first date that I had with Rick, but there wasn't any awkwardness between us.  
He walked me to the door after the date, and told me that it was one of the best nights of his life. I felt the same way, too. We said our goodnights, and then I headed upstairs for bed. As I was getting ready, mom came in the room.  
"How did it go honey," she said.  
"It went great, mom. He's a nice guy."  
"That's great," She replied. "I'm happy for you." and closed the door.  
I went to sleep thinking that everything would be alright and that my future was looking up.  
The next while looked pretty good for the two of us. We got jobs, went on many dates, saw a lot of movies together, and did just about anything we wanted to. I really liked him. I still remember our first kiss together; it was very romantic. We were sitting on a park bench late at night in the summer. We had just finished dinner.  
"I think that that was one of the best meals I've ever had," he said  
"Same here," I told him. "You sure know your food."  
Things were quiet for a while after that, and then he looked at me.  
"You look beautiful," he said.  
I smiled. "Thank you."  
I moved closer to him. He was gorgeous. I saw him moving towards me, my heart was beating fast, and then it happened; we kissed. It must have been for at least ten seconds. After we stopped, I felt as if everything was coming all at once.  
"Wow," was all I could say.  
He smiled  
I was still a little in shock. "I-I don't usually do that, it's just-well, I don't know, it kinda felt right."  
"Maybe it was meant to be," he said. "C'mon, I'll take you home"  
We took the bus back to my place and he said goodnight. As I unlocked the door, I watched him walk away. He was cute, really cute. I knew that I had made the right choice with him; I knew that he was the one.  
The months went by like days. Everything was going great, until one day in August, when he invited me over to his place. We were in the living room.  
"I've got some news, some bad news."  
"What is it?" I asked.  
"Well, Fern, I don't know how to tell you this, but...I'm going away."  
"Where?"  
"New York."  
"What, do you mean like vacation or something?"  
"No, I mean, I'm going to live there."  
"What?"  
I was heartbroken. I couldn't believe it; how could he do this to me, to our relationship. Didn't he care about me? Was that all he thought about? Himself? I couldn't look at him.  
He put his arm around me.  
"Are you okay?"  
"What do you think?" I asked. "Y'know, this is just perfect. Finally, i get to meet the one person I finally connect with and he ditches me. You know what, fuck you, okay? You don't care about me whatsoever, so you can just kiss my ass."  
The next thing I knew I was pinned against the wall. I looked at him; I saw the hurt in his eyes. The way he stared at me made me feel really small. I had never been so scared in my life.  
"Now you listen to me," he said, "I love you and I'll always love you. That will never change. But I can't control what's going to happen. This isn't my fault. Dad's got a new job because he's been laid off. Mom's been trying to pay the bills, but we're just getting by. _I_, Fern, have been staying up late every night trying to help my parents get ready and packing my things. I'm dead tired. Everything's been stressful right now, and you say I don't care about you? Right now I feel that you don't care about me. It seems to me that all you care about is yourself. Maybe you should think about things before you jump to conclusions."  
He let go of me and sat down on the couch. I sat down beside him. A few minutes went by and then I gave him a hug. I started to cry  
"I'm such a bitch."  
He kissed me and smiled.  
"Fern, you know we'll always be in touch. I can call you from New York. I'll give you my number and we'll talk just like we always do. I know I've already said it, but I'll say it again. I love you very much. You're my best friend; I don't know what I'd be without you, but you have to be strong and get through this. Can you do that for me?"  
"I think I can."  
"You're not a bitch."  
I just stared at him.  
"I'm sorry I blew up like that at you," he continued. "Are you okay?"  
I realized something that day; I realized that not everything lasts forever. Looking at now, I could see that i was expecting too much. I thought that he could have been the one; the one I would have spent my entire life with. I wanted to go fast right from day one, but now I realized that I maybe I was expecting too much  
"Yeah..."  
"I wanted to tell you earlier, but I didn't know how you would take it."  
"I don't blame you," I told him.  
"Look everything's gonna be okay, trust me."  
"I do."  
I remember going home that night, looking out the window deep in thought. I couldn't believe what happened. I had gone through breakups before, but they never hurt like this did.  
When I got home, mom was waiting for me in the living room. She smiled at me.  
"Hi."  
"Hi," i said, trying to hold back tears.  
"How did it go?"  
I paused, not saying anything.  
"You knew, didn't you?"  
She nodded  
"Why can't I just have a normal life for once?"  
"What's a normal life?"  
"I don't know," I said, "Maybe a life where I didn't have to feel like this. Maybe a life where I could stay friends, with somebody who would love me wouldn't leave. A life where I could be normal like everybody else."  
"Honey," she said, "your time will come, trust me. Patrick loved you, you know he did. I know you're hurt and no one would blame you. You have every right to feel this way, but you have to be strong and think positive. You're normal to me, and besides, I would love you even if you were the most abnormal person in the world."  
I smiled.  
"Thanks, mom."  
I gave her a hug and cried again. I went up to my room, crawled into bed and tried to fall asleep; I couldn't. I stayed awake all night.  
I was hurting for the first time.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5.

I feel a nudge on my shoulder at eight in the morning. I look over at him. He looks so cute. He kisses me.  
"Morning."  
"Morning."  
He feels my hair. It's still wet from last night.  
"How did you sleep?"  
"Well," I say. My mind starts racing.  
_Just what the hell happened? Were we actually together? Kissing? Doing something more than that? Could I actually be that stupid as to let myself give in that early? You must've persuaded me. No, of course you didn't because I made the first move. I've always made the first move. Remember Christmas? Last Christmas when it almost happened? That was my fault; and this was my fault, too. But who cares? I actually enjoyed myself; at least I think I did. And you know what? I'd do it again. You know why? Because this is what people do when they're in love. And this is the only way to make things better between us; maybe even save things. Now that it's happened, maybe things won't hurt as much.__  
_The two of us get out of bed, and he heads into the kitchen to make breakfast, while I flip on the TV for VH1. He comes back to where I'm sitting and we have breakfast together.  
"VH1?" he asks.  
"It's all I could think of."  
"What about the Disney Channel?"  
I look at him.  
"You've got to be seriously joking."  
He laughs. We have those conversations. They're weird, but I like them. He kisses me again.  
"Look, last night was one of the best nights of my life."  
"Same here," I say. "I'm just not sure that it should have happened so fast."  
"We can't turn back time."  
We watch music videos until they switch the programming and then he looks at me and smiles.  
"What?" I ask.  
"You excited for tonight?"  
"Yeah," I say, "I can't wait. It'll be nice to see the gang again."  
"I know," he says. "I haven't seen Steve in a while."  
The gang is made up of five people; it's me, Rick, Steve, his girlfriend, Michelle, and Alex. We usually meet up at Steve's. He's a nice guy. He and Michelle live about ten minutes from our apartment. The last time I saw him, we all went out to see a movie. That was about a month ago. God, I wish we all could all get together more. When we get to the house, Steve lets us in. We're all in the kitchen, playing cards. Steve looks at me.  
"Well, Fern?"  
I smile.  
"Hit me."  
It's 21. Alex smiles.  
"Not bad, girl. You thinkin' of goin' pro?"  
"Nah," I tell her. "I just play for fun."  
"It's too bad. We could've had a ball in Vegas."  
I lite a cig. I never really cared for gambling. It's just some stupid way to waste money.  
"So how've you two been," Michelle asks.  
She means Rick and I.  
"Good," I tell her. "Nothing new with us really."  
"How's the relationship going?"  
"It's going well."  
Alex speaks up.  
"You two been on any dates recently?"  
"No, not really. I think it's been two months since we've gone on a date"  
"But you still fit in time for romance right?"  
"Yeah, somewhat." Where's she going with this?  
"You guys ever heat things up?"  
Now I get it.  
"Screw you," I tell her.  
"Whoa, Fern, calm down, I was just joking."  
"Oh, ha, ha, ha. You know what? You've got a filthy mind. Can't you act normal for once?"  
"What's your problem?" She asks.  
"My problem?"  
_My_ problem? She wants to know what _my _problem is?  
"Yeah, I mean you obviously need to chill. You getting worked up like that is obviously proof that you've got something to hide."  
I pause.  
"You know what? Screw this, I'm leaving."  
"C'mon, Fern," Steve pleads.  
"No, forget it," I tell him. "Rick, I'll meet you in the car."  
I head outside and climb into the passenger seat. Within five minutes, Rick climbs in and sees me crying.  
"You okay?" he asks  
"She's such a bitch; she always has to ruin everything. It's all about her. I don't wanna talk about that shit, okay?"  
"Okay," he says, "we don't have to talk about it."  
"She always brings it up. She's got a one track mind. What if she actually found out, okay? What if she knew we were doing it?"  
"She's not going to find out, Fern. I keep that stuff private."  
"Look, I love you and I don't wanna ruin anything."  
"Ruin? What would there be to ruin?"  
I take a deep breath. I can do this  
"I thought that we were drifting apart. I didn't want to lose you, so I thought that making love to you would save things."  
It's quiet for a while.  
"Aren't you going to say anything?" I ask.  
"Fern-I'm not really sure what to say. I don't know whether to be upset or concerned."  
"Concerned? Why would you be concerned?"  
"Honey, I've always done things with you because I thought that you were okay with them. I never wanted to put you in a situation that you were unsure about."  
I've never seen him like this. He's always been so sure of things.  
"I've always wanted you to be happy," he continues. "When we made love, I thought that it was because you wanted to. I never knew that you were afraid. Now I know why you were so concerned that it happened so fast."  
I've stopped crying. He looks at me.  
"I love you, too and I want the best for you. I wish I had the chance to do things over and make the right choice, but I don't. Listen to me, Fern; you can't do this to me anymore. You have to be honest with me from now on. Promise me that you'll do that from now on."  
"I promise." I smile and he smiles back  
"You wanna go home?"  
I nod.  
"I'll be right back."  
He goes into the house and comes back within five minutes.  
"Had to get my stuff and say goodbye," he says. We drive back home, just the two of us. I put my head on his shoulder; he puts his arm around me. It feels so good to be close to him. I can't believe what I just told him, but, like he said, I can't do things over. Now I know why I want to be with him; now I know why I'm in love with him. I like him because he's always there for me and he wants the best for me. He'd never give up on me. He really is the best a girl could ask for.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

I still remember when I left my parents' house; how could I forget? They were fighting, as usual, though I don't remember what it was about. I remember what I said to them as I headed down the stairs. I walked into the kitchen, where they were arguing and yelled at the top of my lungs.  
"That's it! I can't stand it. I'm leaving."  
They both stopped what they were doing and looked at me. I had my suitcase beside me.  
"What are you talking about honey?" Mom asked. "Leaving where?"  
"I've got a place I've been saving up for. I'm not staying here anymore; I'm going to live with Rick."  
"You'll do no such thing," Mike said. "If you want to leave, fine, but you're not going to stay with that man."  
"You can't tell me what to do anymore. I'm 20 years old for God sakes and I can do what I want."  
"Not while you're under our roof, young lady."  
"Mike," Mom pleaded, "there's no use talking about it; we've gone through this before. If she wants to live with him, there's not really much that we can do."  
"Let me handle this, Doria"  
"Don't you talk to her like that," I said to Mike. "You think that because you're the man of the house that you can push her around? She has her own opinion, so let her say her piece. And for your information, I'm not going to be living under your roof for much longer."  
"Fine," he said, "Go live with him, but you won't be getting our support."  
"Not like I need it," I told him  
"And you can't come back."  
"Oh thank you," I said, sarcastically. "Thank you so much. Why would I ever want to come back to a shithole like this?"  
"That's it," he said. "Out! right now! Get out of this house. You want to use that kind of language, then get out!"  
We heard a car horn outside. I knew who it was.  
"That's for me," I said. "My suitcase is upstairs, could one of you guys get it for me."  
Mom started to head upstairs, but Mike stopped her.  
"No, Doria, she has to do this on her own."  
"Stop controlling her," I yelled. "That's all you do is control her."  
"Honey," Mom pleaded, "just go and get your things"  
"No, I'm not going to sit here and let him treat you like this."  
Rick honked the horn again.  
"I'm coming," I yelled.  
I stared at my parents. A worried look came over my mother's face.  
"Fern," mom said, "just go."  
I paused.  
"Fine," I said, "I'll be right back."  
I went up to my room and took a good look around. I was going to miss this house; the memories and the good times I used to have as a kid. There weren't as many as I wished there could've been. God, how did my life end up the way it was?  
I went back downstairs and gave my mother a hug. I tried desperately to hold back the tears.  
"I love you, honey," she said. "I just want what's best for you."  
"I know mom. I love you, too. I just can't stay here anymore."  
I walked outside and headed towards Rick's car. I climbed into the passenger side and kissed him.  
"How'd it go?" He asked.  
"Better than I expected," I told him. "I just can't believe that I went through with it."  
"Did you eat?"  
"No, Why?"  
"Did you wanna go and get a burger?"  
I smiled. "Sure."  
We pulled into a little diner. He held the door for me as I walked in. We found a booth and sat down.  
"You look tired," he said.  
"I am," I told him. "I didn't get much sleep."  
He looked at me.  
"After we finish this, I'll take you home."  
"That would be great," I said. "I can't wait to see the place."  
We finished dinner pretty quickly and then headed back to the car.  
"My life is shit," I said as I climbed into the passenger seat.  
"No it's not. Why are you thinking like that?"  
"Its just-well, I didn't think it would come to this. I wanted to stay at home for at least one more year, but I just couldn't take it anymore."  
"Look, no one can blame you for the way you were feeling, but you have to let things go. You've moved out and you can't change that. We can't change the past, but we can change what happens in the future."  
"I don't want to think about the future," I said. "I just want to think about right now."  
He smiled.  
"I think that's all you need."  
"Take me home."  
It took us about ten minutes to get to his place. He helped me with my bags as I got out of the car. When we got to his apartment, I fell on the couch.  
"You wanna go to sleep?"  
I nodded. We went into his room. I changed and got under the covers. He laid down beside me and kissed me on the cheek.  
"Rick?" I asked.  
"Yeah?"  
"Promise you won't leave me no matter what happens?"  
"I promise. No matter what happens."  
I smiled. He put his arm around me. It felt good to be beside him. I closed my eyes and dreamed. Somehow I knew that everything would be alright.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

I've had it with everything. I can't stand it. I don't know what to do with my life. I'm so sick of Alex and her bullshit. She knows; I just know that she knows we're fucking. All she ever talks about is my sex life with him. I can`t take her anymore.  
Rick walks in I embrace him; he smiles.  
"Hey, babe, what's goin' on?"  
"Can we talk?"  
He pauses for a minute.  
"Sure, we can talk."  
He leads me over to the couch and we sit down.  
"Okay," he says, "what's wrong?"  
"It's Alex," I tell him. "I just can't take her anymore. You know what she did? She called me this morning, alright? I didn't mind it until she asked about our relationship, and you know what? She asked me if you were coming home with a big surprise."  
"Well, I am. I brought home dinner."  
"You know what I mean."  
"Fern, lighten up, okay?"  
"Lighten up? You tell me to lighten up?"  
"Yeah, you know why? Because you can't let little things like that bother you," he says  
"Little things? Oh, so maybe having sex with you isn't really important, is it? Maybe it's just a little bit of fun for a short time for you, but for me it's a feeling. I feel connected to you, Rick, but all you want is a good time."  
"I never said that."  
"You don't need to," I say.  
"You know what? You've got a problem."  
_I've _got a problem?  
"You're the one with the problem, Rick. All you think about is yourself; that`s all you care about."  
He leads me into our room and closes the door.  
"Is that all I think about, huh? Who's the one who picked you up at your parent's when you wanted to leave? Who's the guy who helped you out when Alex was bothering you, hmm? I'm trying to make this relationship work, Fern, but you're the one who's always bringing me down.  
"I'm bringing you down?"  
"Yeah, you are. You're like some kind of depressing child who can't get her own way."  
"How am I a child?"  
"You whine about everything that bothers you. I know you've had some hard times, but you have to look at the bright side of things. You could have let everything go when we were all playing cards, but, oh no, you had to make a huge deal out of it."  
"Well, it _is_ a huge deal."  
"I know it is, Fern, but you can't let other people know that? You know how they say don't sweat the small stuff?"  
"That isn't small stuff,"  
"It is and it isn't."  
"You know what? I'm sick and tired of all of this," I say. "Maybe to you, I'm some hot girl who can do your bidding, but I consider myself a human being. That's something that you can't comprehend."  
And then I feel it; his hand across my face. It stings and I turn away. He grabs my face.  
"You like that?" he asks. "You like how that feels? Well, here comes another one."  
He slaps me again and pins me to the wall.  
"You're a bitch. You say that all I think of is myself? How about you? It seems to me that that's all you think about."  
I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I manage a way to break free from him. I step back and face him.  
"Get out of here," I tell him  
"You can't tell me what to do, this is my house."  
"It's _our _house, Rick, and I can do as I damn well please."  
"I'm not moving."  
"You get out of here or I'll call the police, and you know that they'll take my side."  
It's quiet for a while. Then he speaks  
"Fine," he says, "but that food's for me."  
"It's just as well, I've lost my appetite."  
He walks out the door, and I walk into the bedroom, crying. I call trying to reach Michelle, but Steve picks up instead.  
"Hello?"  
"Is Michelle there? It's Fern; I really need to talk to her."  
"Yeah, I can go get her. Are you okay?"  
"I just need to talk to her."  
"Yeah, sure, hold on."  
When Michelle picks up, I tell her about our fight.  
"I don't know what to do," I say. "Do I stay with him or leave?"  
"Fern, look, all couples fight. It's just something you have to understand."  
"Yeah, but it got pretty nasty."  
"How bad did get?"  
I'm not telling her that he struck me, though I don't know why.  
"He called me a bitch. That's about it."  
"Do you need me there?"  
I pause.  
"Yeah, I think I do."  
"Okay, I'll be there in fifteen minutes."  
I hang up the phone and look at myself in the mirror. I can see the bruise on my face. It looks bad. Christ, he really did a number on me, didn't he? Before I know it, Michelle knocks on the door. I let her in.  
"Hi," I say to her. "Sorry to do this to you on such short notice."  
"No problem," she says, "You know I'm always there for you."  
She stops and looks at the bruise.  
"What the hell happened to you?"  
"I fell down the stairs." It's a lie, but I really don't care about that right now.  
"Are you okay?"  
"I guess, yeah."  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yeah," I say, "it's fine."  
"You need some help. How about we go rent a couple of chick flicks and get some take out."  
"I'm not really hungry."  
"It's seven o'clock, Fern, you gotta eat something."  
I sigh.  
"Alright, maybe some McDonalds or something; nothing too heavy."  
We go out, rent a movie, get some food and come back in about twenty minutes. We sit on the couch, having dinner and watching The Notebook. I love that movie; so romantic and sad.  
About twenty minutes into the film, the phone rings. I turn to Michelle.  
"Could you get it?"  
I can guess who it is. Michelle calls me within two minutes  
"Fern, its Rick he wants to talk to you."  
"I can't."  
"Honey, he's crying. Please, just talk to him."  
I can't believe I'm gonna do this, but I know that if I don't I'm gonna regret it.  
I pick up the phone  
"Hello?"  
"Hey, babe." I can hear the sadness in his voice.  
"Hey," I say. "Are you okay?"  
"No," he says. "I'm so sorry."  
"It's a bit too late to tell me that now, isn't it?"  
"Look I love you," he says.  
"Are you sure about that?"  
"Yeah, I'm sure. I don't wanna be alone for the rest of my life. I wanna be with you."  
We don't say anything for a while, we just stay silent.  
"Can you forgive me?" He asks  
"Yeah," I say after a few minutes. " I just need to be alone for tonight."  
"I understand. I'm staying at a hotel tonight, but I'll be home tomorrow after work, okay?"  
"Okay," I tell him.  
"You gonna be okay?"  
"Michelle's with me. I'll be fine."  
"Alright. Good night, babe.  
"Good night."  
I hang up; Michelle looks at me.  
"Is everything okay?" She asks.  
I fake a smile.  
"Yeah, everything's fine."  
"You're all shook up," she says. "Do you think you can finish the movie?"  
"Yeah, I just need a friend."  
"Well, I'll be that friend."  
She gives me a hug. I feel a sense of comfort that I haven't felt in a while. As long as I have Michelle, I feel that everything's going to be okay. She's my best friend; there's nothing that I wouldn't do for her. I know that she feels that way about me, too. And to think, if I hadn't met Rick, we would have never met.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

I wake up about 8 AM. It's Saturday, my day off from work. I work at a video rental store not too far from the apartment. It's not the greatest job, but it pays the bills. I get out of bed, take a shower, get dressed and then head to the kitchen for breakfast. I pour myself some coffee and a bowl of cereal; not the greatest breakfast, but breakfast none the least. Within five minutes the phone rings. I pick it up.  
"Hello?"  
"Hi."  
It's him. Oh, thank God it's him.  
"Aren't you supposed to be at work?" I ask  
"I took the day off. I'm not gonna go in today."  
It's quiet for a minute.  
"Listen," he says, "I'm really sorry about last night."  
"I know you are."  
"And like I said, I love you very much."  
"I know you do, and I love you too," I say, "But we can't keep living like this."  
"I know, and I wanna make it up to you."  
"How?"  
"Why don't we go out on a date and then head back to the hotel? I can arrange for you to stay with me."  
"Sure."  
"And bring your bathing suit; they have a hot tub and pool."  
"Will do," I say.  
"How about we meet for lunch? I'm staying at the Howard-Johnston."  
"What time?"  
"About 1:00"  
"That sounds fine with me," I say.  
"Great. See you then."  
I hang up the phone. Oh, boy, a date. I haven't been on a date with him in a while. _Okay, calm yourself down, Fern, take it easy_. I head back to the bedroom, and decide what I have to wear. I take a look at my closet; I see the dress; the black one with the rhinestones. I know I'm not wearing that one; I'm saving that for a special moment. I pick out some jeans and a white shirt and pack my things. I pack the two-piece bikini that he bought for my 20th birthday. It's a nice black color. He said I looked good in it; he also said that I looked good out of it. I love the way his mind works. Around 12:30, I head out and take a cab to the hotel, which takes me about twenty-five minutes. At 12:55, I arrive at the hotel, check in with the desk clerk, and look for the room; it's room 504. I find it and enter with my key.  
"Hello, anybody home?"  
I take a look at the room; it's pretty nice. They've got a nice setup; neatly baize panted walls, a couch and bed in front of a TV, an old kitchen, a fridge and a small dining room. I walk around for a bit until I find a bottle of Jack lying on the floor and a couple of burned out cigarettes. I can tell he had a little too much last night. There's a door to another room; I knock.  
"Who is it?"  
I know it's his voice. I open the door. When I walk in, he looks up and smiles at me.  
"Hey, babe."  
"You okay?" I ask. "You sound tired."  
"Just taking a nap. I didn't hear you come in."  
"What's the bottle for?"  
"Huh?"  
"The bottle of Jack?"  
"Oh," he says, "is that still there? I'm sorry, babe, I really don't do well on my own."  
"Neither do I," I tell him. "That's why I had Michelle come over."  
I come into the room and get into the bed.  
"I don't ever wanna fight again," I say.  
"I know." He puts his arm around me; I move closer towards him and kiss him.  
"It's gonna be okay," I tell him, and then change the subject.  
"I brought the bikini."  
His eyes widen "You did?"  
I nod. "Tonight, we'll go swimming."  
"Sounds like a plan."  
Just then my cell rings; I pick it up.  
"Hello?"  
"Where the hell are you?" It's Michelle. "I went to your apartment to see how you were and no one was there."  
"I'm with Rick; we're at a hotel."  
"Is everything okay?"  
"Everything's fine," I say. "Don't worry about it."  
"Well, I do worry, Fern; you had me scared shitless last night."  
"Look, Michelle, I assure you that everything's okay. Do you wanna talk to Rick?"  
"No," she says, "I've got to be at the gym in five minutes. Call me if you need anything."  
"I will." I hang up the phone.  
"What's up" Rick asks.  
"Michelle's just worried. She saw the bruise."  
"Did you tell her?"  
"No, I said I fell down the stairs."  
"Oh."  
I look at him.  
"Can we talk?"  
He smiles.  
"Sure."  
"I'm still in shock over last night." I tell him.  
"I know. I don't blame you."  
"I don't wanna live like this, Rick; I don't wanna be in this kind of relationship."  
"You're breaking up with me?"  
"No," I tell him, "I'm not. I'm just saying that this has gotta stop."  
"It will, honey, it will. I promise."  
"Why do I have the feeling that we've had this conversation before?"  
"I know we have, but this time it's different. I'm shocked too, you know. You might not believe it, but I almost lost my mind last night."  
"How?"  
"I cried myself to sleep; I couldn't stop thinking of you and what I did," he says.  
"Rick, I don't wanna talk about it anymore. I'm tired; I didn't get much sleep last night. I just wanna lie down and relax."  
"Okay. I think I need a lie down, too."  
We both get some sleep. I wake up around 5:00 and head to the fridge for a glass of water. Rick wakes up half an hour later.  
"Hey," he says  
"Hey. How did you sleep?"  
"I slept well. You hungry?"  
"Yeah, I'm starving."  
"How about we go out for dinner; there's a restaurant nearby."  
"Sure, lead the way."  
We head downstairs to the parking lot and get in his car; he`s driving.  
"So, what's this place called?" I ask.  
"Little Texas. It's like Loan Star."  
"Cool."  
As we drive, I think about what's happened over the past few days. God, how did my life turn out to be this way?  
"Rick?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Do you ever wish you could go back in time? Like to when you were younger?"  
We pull up to a red light; he takes a good look at me.  
"What brought that on?"  
"I don't know," I say, "it's just that these past few days have been really stressful; the fighting, the problem with Alex, you leaving for a hotel, you know, stuff like that."  
It's quiet for a little bit, then all of a sudden he leans over and kisses me.  
"What do you think now?" he asks.  
"Well, being older does have its advantages."  
The light turns green.  
"I know what you mean, though," he says, "but no one said life was going to be easy."  
"I get that, but does it have to be this complicated? I mean, I don't wanna be sad for the rest of my life."  
"Look, Fern. I know everything's been stressful right now, but you have to stay positive. How about this: if there's a problem, we'll try to work things out. I wanna talk to you, not fight with you, what do you think?"  
"I'd like that," I say.  
"I know I've got a temper; I really need to control it."  
"It takes two to fight, Rick; I'm just as much to blame."  
"Who's more to blame?"  
I don't wanna tell him the answer.  
"I promise, from now on, not to lay a finger on you; you have my word."  
I smile. "Thank you."  
"But you have to make me a promise, Fern. Promise me that you'll let the little things go.  
"They're not-"  
"In the long run, Fern, they are. Who cares what Alex thinks? Who cares what the people say about us? You know that you're a good honest person and that's good enough for me. I know that you would never do something that you didn't want to do. You're not stupid; you're a very smart person. That's one of the reasons I fell in love with you."  
"You know why I fell in love with you?" I say to him. "Because you were there for me when I didn't have anybody. You always stood up for me. That's why I fell in love with you."  
He smiles; I smile back. I know he's the one I'm going to keep. We arrive at the restaurant. It's a nice sit-down place. There's a bar over to the left, with six TV's showing sports. On the right is where most people sit down and eat. We walk in and find a booth. I sit across from him. The waiter comes and we order  
"I'll have the fish and chips and a coke," Rick says  
"And you, miss?" the waiter asks  
"I'll have the same," I say.  
The waiter leaves, leaving us alone together.  
"God, we haven't been on a date in a long time," I say after the waiter leaves.  
"I know. We've got to do more things together."  
Twenty minutes later the food arrives.  
"Finally," he says. "I'm famished."  
Ten minutes pass. I'm feeling a little uneasy.  
"Rick..." I don't know if I should tell him this  
"What's up?"  
"Never mind," I say.  
"Come on, tell me."  
I pause. It's hard to tell him.  
"Do you ever feel as if we're drifting apart?"  
He stops eating.  
"What?"  
"I know we've talked about this already, but I still have some concerns."  
"What makes you think that we're drifting apart?"  
"Because of all these problems we're having."  
He looks concerned.  
"Fern, in every relationship there's problems. I've known this from experience. I've dated girls before and we've had all sorts of problems. Sometimes those problems led to breakups. But, for every problem there's a solution."  
"How do you know what the right solution is?"  
He points to my chest.  
"You find the answer right in there; in your heart. Your heart always knows what the solution is. If you follow your heart, you'll never be lost."  
"How did you get to be so smart?" I ask.  
"Years of practice," he says  
We finish dinner and the bill arrives.  
"It's on me," he says.  
I blink.  
"Really?"  
He nods.  
"Thanks," I tell him.  
He pays the bill and we leave.  
"Shall we head back to the hotel?" He asks when we get into the car.  
"Yeah."  
He heads back. We take the elevator up to our floor and he unlocks the door to our room.  
"You ready for a swim?" He asks.  
"Give me ten minutes. I'll change in our room, you change out here."  
"Why?" he asks  
"I just need some alone time. Okay with you?"  
"Sure"  
I get his swimsuit and bring it out to him.  
"See you in a few," I say.  
I lock the door and undress. Before putting the suit on, I take a look at myself in the mirror. I`m not the greatest looking girl, but I'm not too bad either. I think I need to lose some weight. I put the suit on and walk out to the main room. He takes a good look at me.  
"Wow," he says, "You look great."  
"You've seen me in this bikini before."  
"I know; many times, but still."  
"They have towels downstairs, right?"  
He nods  
"Great."  
He's got a big smile on his face.  
"What?" I ask, smiling back.  
"Remember last Christmas?"  
Oh, God, I should've known he would bring that up.  
"I was worried that you'd freeze to death."  
"We found ways to keep warm," I say.  
That was probably the best Christmas of my life. A lot happened that night. We didn't have sex, but we came close, that's for sure.  
We take the elevator downstairs to the pool. The room is amazing; the hot tub and pool are huge. I lead him to the hot tub, and boy is it hot. It's a nicely sized oval shape, which can get very deep. I test the water and slide in gently. As it rises up to my neck, I let go of all the stress that I previously had. I feel a sense of relief, as if nothing else mattered.  
"This is great," I say.  
He nods in agreement.  
"Well, here's to us."  
"Cheers." I fling my hand as if I was holding a champagne glass. Boy, a glass of champagne would be great right about now.  
"What do you want to do tomorrow?" he asks. "We have the whole day to ourselves."  
"How about we go see a movie?"  
"Sure, I'm game."  
"Alright we'll see what's playing tomorrow," I tell him.  
As time passes, I think about my parents at home. I miss my mom. I don't know if I wanna go back. I can't leave Rick, but I can't hide how I'm feeling. My eyes are closed. I can picture them by themselves. I wish it didn't have to be like this.  
"You okay?" Rick asks after a while.  
"Yeah, why?"  
"You just look down, that's all."  
How does he do that? How does he always know how I feel? Do I tell him or not?  
"It's nothing."  
"No, it isn't nothing. What's going on?"  
"I was thinking about my parents." I say.  
It's quiet.  
"Oh," he says after a few minutes.  
"Yeah,"  
"Why?"  
I take a deep breath and let out a sigh.  
"I guess I was missing home. God, I wish my life wasn't this way, okay? I wish my life was different."  
"How different?"  
"You wouldn't understand, alright?"  
"What do you mean, I wouldn't understand?" he asks. "I've always understood you and stuck by you no matter what, Fern. You know you can talk to me about anything."  
I don't know if I can do this, but if I don't, I know that I won't stop thinking about it.  
"It's just-look, my life hasn't always been peaches and cream, you know that? You didn't know me when I was a kid. Through most of my years in grade school, I was alone. I mean, I had friends, but I didn't really have anyone that I was close to. I tried to fit in, God knows I tried, but nothing seemed to work. Everybody judged me at the start of grade three. They didn't know shit about me, so they always made these assumptions. I had a little bit of popularity later on in that year, but it didn't last too long.  
"You wanna know the sad thing about that time I was popular? I got shit for it. A girl I knew accused me of stealing her attention just because people were finally paying attention to me for a change. For once in my life people were finally noticing me, and I get labeled as a traitor. Oh, I'm so sorry for trying to be somebody for a change. I'm so sorry for trying to get noticed. I won't do that again. I'll just sit in the fuckin' corner like I'm supposed to and let you get everything. You always get what you want, you little bitch."  
He interrupts me.  
"Wait a minute, are you talking about Alex again?"  
"I didn't know Alex in grade three, Rick."  
"Well, then who are you talking about?"  
I've never told him this before. I haven't really thought about this for a long time. I don't know why I'm bringing it up.  
"Francine."  
"Who?"  
"She was a girl I knew in school. We went to grade school and high school together. Every single year, she became more and more popular. Her and Muffy; although Muffy went to another school."  
"Muffy?"  
"Yeah, Muffy Crosswire."  
"Crosswire? As in Ed Crosswire."  
"Yeah, that's her father," I tell him. "You know who he is?"  
"Come on, Fern, everyone knows about Crosswire Motors. I forgot that he had a daughter. I didn't know what her name was."  
"Well, Muffy was her nickname. Her real name was Mary."  
"Now I remember," he says. "I met her when I was fifteen."  
"Really?"  
"Yep. She's kind of a bitch, though."  
"Yeah, I know. Did you go out with her?"  
"No, we never dated. Anyway, I wanna hear more about you and Francine. What's this about her accusing you?"  
"Well..."  
I don't know if I need to bring it up, but I guess there's no harm in talking about it.  
"We had a band."  
His eyes widen.  
"You were in a band?"  
I nod.  
"I was the singer."  
"So you _have_ sung before."  
"Yeah," I say.  
"What was the band called."  
"You're gonna think this is funny, but it was called U Stink."  
He laughs.  
"You're right, that is funny. But I guess that there are worse names. There's a band called Barenaked Ladies."  
"Yeah, I've heard of them. They're great."  
"So what did you guys sing?"  
"We only had one song. It got really complicated sometimes, and Francine would get so worked up about selling out. One time she left the band, and I tried to be the one to take charge. She played drums, so we had to get a machine that substituted her drumming. Muffy tried to be our manage; we tried writing another song before Muffy, but that didn't go so well. I tried to sort it out with Francine, but that didn't work out. Eventually we all sorted out our differences and Francine came back."  
"So it all worked out, I guess," he says  
"Yeah, It did. The last time we performed, we were opening for another band. It wasn't planned or anything, but we were called on the stage to perform, because one of the band members were stuck in the elevator. You know who was to blame for that?"  
"Francine?"  
"Actually, no. It was Muffy. She stopped the elevator while she was in there with Nick."  
"Nick? Who's Nick?"  
"Nick Carter."  
He blinks.  
"From the Backstreet Boys?"  
"Yeah."  
"She shared an elevator with Nick Carter?"  
"Yeah, she's boy crazy sometimes."  
He smiles.  
"Some girls are like that."  
"I'm not like that."  
"I know," he says. "That's why I love you."  
I smile at him. He always knows what to say.  
"So, wait, you opened up for the Backstreet Boys?"  
"Yeah, you know what?" I tell him, "I still can't believe it. We had some trouble when we were singing on stage, so they came out and helped us with the song."  
"So you sang with the Backstreet Boys?"  
"Yeah, pretty cool, huh?"  
"Why didn't you tell me this?"  
"I don't know, you never asked."  
"So what happened then?" he asks  
"After that, we broke up. Nobody wanted to keep performing except for Francine and I."  
"So why is she a bitch?"  
"Well, as she got older she got a little self-centered; she became a lot like Muffy. It's kinda weird because they went to two different schools, but they managed to spend a lot of time together. She hardly paid any attention to me, not like I'd expect her to. I was so jealous of her because she always had everything. She had a boyfriend right from the get go. It was October and she told me that she had found this perfect guy. It didn't last too long. It didn't really matter, however because she always seemed to find someone. And me? I was lucky to even get a date. I dated two guys in high school. I had one horrible relationships and one amazing relationship. I never took them for granted, you know? I just felt that I couldn't really find someone who I could keep."  
"You can keep me," he says  
"I don't mean you, Rick I know that I can keep you. It's just-you don't know how glad I am to be out of high school."  
"I think I do. I feel the same way."  
"Look," I tell him, "when I met you for the first time, I was pretty disgusted."  
"Yeah, I know. I'm a bit of a jerk. I don't know what I was thinking."  
"But as I got to know you, you turned out to be a pretty cool guy, so I'm glad that I gave you a chance."  
"Well, you're a pretty cool girl," he says.  
I smile.  
"Now, about this singing," he continues, "what type of music do you sing?"  
"Whatever I feel like singing."  
"Sing me something. Right here, just sing me something."  
"I don't know, Rick."  
"Come on, there's no one around, and I'm not going to judge you."  
I take a deep breath and begin singing "The Last Goodbye" by James Morrison, my hands keeping rhythm. I close my eyes and picture myself on stage in front of millions of people. I look around in the audience to see old friends smiling, listening to me; finally, someone is noticing me.  
When I finish, I open my eyes. He leans forward and kisses me.  
"Don't ever keep secrets like that from me again, promise?"  
I smile  
"I promise."  
He puts his arm around me; we sit in the hot tub for a few more minutes. The water's cooled down a little bit. I look at him; he looks back at me and smiles. I love him more now than I ever did before. I know that nothing can tear us apart.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

I remember the first time we kissed. We were sitting on a park bench; we had just gone out for a nice dinner to celebrate my high school graduation.  
"Did you have fun?" he asked.  
I nodded.  
"It's graduation, how much fun can you have?"  
"Can't believe you've graduated already"  
"I know. Guess the next thing is for me to get a job."  
"You're not going to college?" he asked.  
I shook my head.  
"I don't think that I really need to, I mean, there's nothing that college could offer me I think I'm gonna focus on what I've got right now. I like it at the video store; the people are nice, and the pay's good."  
"Okay, but you don't plan on working part-time for the rest of your life, do you?"  
"No, someday I'll have a decent job, these things just take time."  
"Like what?"  
"Well, I don't know, maybe a singer"  
"You sing?"  
"Yeah," I said. "Maybe one day I could sing something for you, but I'm not ready yet."  
"I'd like that," he said.  
The nighttime air was cool; we both watched the sun go down. As soon as it set, we headed back to his apartment to watch a movie. We put in Wayne's World and had a bowl of popcorn together.  
"Thanks for letting me stay here tonight," I told him.  
"No problem. How are your parents doing?"  
"They're still arguing."  
He sighed.  
"I don't know if there's anything I can do about it," I said.  
"You could come live with me. What do you think about that?"  
"I'd like that, I would. I just don't know if I could do it."  
"You can; I'd help you every step of the way."  
"Thank you."  
The only sound was of Wayne and Garth talking. We looked at each other, dazed. Suddenly, I felt myself being pulled towards him, my lips slowly touching his. We must have kissed for about ten seconds. When we let go, I felt as if I were in a trance. I couldn't believe that I had just kissed him; it seemed so rushed, yet, at the same time, it felt good.  
"Wow. I can't believe that we just did that," I said, stunned.  
"Maybe it happened a little too fast," he said, "but there's nothing we can do about it now."  
I moved closer towards him and we kissed again; this time it was longer, better. When we let go, he smiled. We sat for a few minutes, saying nothing.  
"You wanna head to bed soon?"  
I nodded.  
"I'm a little tired, but I think I can finish the movie."  
"Okay," he said, smiling.  
I was still shocked over that fact that we kissed; that's a big step in a relationship. He was right; there was nothing we could do about it now. I fell asleep that night knowing how I truly felt about him. There was nobody that could take his place; I was sure of it.

The car pulls up to the side of the driveway. I sit in the passenger seat, with a coke in my hand.  
"Are you sure you want to do this?" he asks.  
I nod.  
"If I don't, I know I'll never stop thinking about it."  
"Do you want me to come in with you?"  
"No," I say. "I need to do this on my own."  
"I'm right here if you need me."  
"Thank you. I'll let you know if I'm staying."  
He smiles and I get out of the car. I've got butterflies in my stomach. I ring the doorbell. It's quiet for a few minutes, and then the door opens. Mom comes out, opens the door, and takes a good look at me.  
"Oh my god!"  
She embraces me and starts crying.  
"My baby's home, my baby's home."  
"Hi mom," I say, "how's it going?" I try to fight the tears  
She doesn't answer; she keeps crying. I know that they're tears of joy. I start to choke up myself.  
"Honey, who's at the door?" It's Mike's voice. He comes to the door and sees me and my mother.  
"Hi," I say to him  
"Hi," he says back.  
"Can I come in?"  
"Of course you can, honey," mom says. She leads me to the kitchen table. The house is still the same. The walls are painted white, the fridge is still in the corner. Only one thing's different; they added a radio, which isn't that big of a deal.  
"The house hasn't changed since I left."  
"We're thinking of painting it next year," mom says. "Never mind that, it's so good to see you."  
"It's good to see you, too, mom."  
"Why are you here?" Mike asks.  
"I don't know," I say. "I just felt that this was the right thing to do."  
He pauses.  
"Fern, can I see you for a minute alone?"  
Mom steps in. "Honey, please, she just got here."  
"It's alright mom," I say. "Lead the way, Mike."  
He leads me into the living room.  
"Sit down," he says.  
I sit down on the couch, facing him. He's the first to speak after a few minutes of silence.  
"It's been a while," he says.  
"More than a year, I think."  
"How have you been."  
"Good." I'm half-lying.  
"Why are you here?" He asks again.  
I bite my lip. I have to tell him how I feel. I'm not afraid of him.  
"I'm here because I know I can't run away anymore."  
He nods; I continue.  
"I know that my life hasn't been as great as I thought it would be; that's why I left, but I'm hoping that I can put everything aside and start over again. I miss it here so much; I don't want to be isolated from you anymore. I love you both and I want us to be a family again. Please, I don't want to fight anymore."  
It's quiet; so quiet that I can hear the clock ticking, each second more suspenseful than the previous.  
"I thought I told you that you couldn't come back."  
I nod.  
"You did."  
"So why did you?"  
_Deep breath, deep breath. I can do this._  
"Because-because I know that we all say things that we don't mean; we all make mistakes, but those mistakes can be forgiven."  
He doesn't say anything; he just sits. Then...  
"You're right."  
He smiles  
"Can you forgive me?" I ask.  
"Yes," he says. "If you can forgive me."  
I give him a hug, the tears flowing continuously.  
"The truth is," he says, "that we've missed you. We were going to call you tomorrow."  
"You still have Rick`s number?"  
"Yes, we didn't know when we would need it."  
"Maybe it's a good thing I came here tonight," I say  
"Yeah, maybe it is. We didn't know if you had moved or not."  
"No, I didn't."  
"So you're still with him?"  
I nod.  
"How's the relationship going."  
"It's going well," I say. Another half-lie. "He's waiting outside for me right now."  
"Oh."  
"But I was wondering if I could stay here tonight."  
He nods.  
"I've missed you, too; both of you. And like I said, I want to start over," I tell him.  
He nods again.  
"I need to step out for a little bit," I say. "I'll be right back."  
"Take your time."  
I head to the kitchen where mom is.  
"I'll be right back mom; I just need to do something."  
"Sure, honey," she says.  
I head out the door to where Rick is. I climb into the passenger seat and kiss him on the cheek.  
"Well?" he asks.  
"I'm staying with my parents tonight. Is that okay with you?  
"Of course," he says. "I'll miss you tonight, though."  
"I will, too, but I think this is what I need."  
"So do I. See you tomorrow?"  
"You bet." I give him another kiss and head out the door. I walk into my parents' house to find them both sitting at the kitchen table.  
"Are you hungry, Fern," mom asks, "or did you already eat?"  
"I've already eaten, mom. Thanks for the offer, though. I'm actually tired right now. I was thinking I could go to bed."  
"Of course honey. We'll see you in the morning."  
"Actually, mom, I was wondering if I could talk to you alone."  
"Oh," she says.  
"It's girl talk."  
She smiles.  
"Sure, give me ten minutes, is that okay?  
"Yeah, that's fine. I'll be up in my room."  
"Okay, honey."  
"Goodnight, Fern," Mike says.  
"Goodnight, Mike."  
I head to my room. I've almost forgotten what it looks like. When I open the door, I'm not surprised at what I see. It looks the just the way it did when I left. The walls are painted a nice grey. The TV and DVD player are still on the stand in the corner. The desk where I used to do my writing is still there with the lamp. God, I can't believe that I'm here. I walk in, close the door, strip down to my underwear, and crawl into bed. It feels warm under the covers. I find my old copy of _Sherlock Holmes_ and begin to read. It isn't too long before mom walks in.  
"Doing some reading, huh?" she asks.  
I smile.  
"I love this book; so suspenseful."  
"You always loved mysteries, didn't you, honey."  
"Yeah, I did."  
I put the book down; mom sits on the side of my bed, and rubs my head. I see a tear in her eye.  
"Are you still crying?" I ask.  
"Just a little bit. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."  
I decide to change the subject, though I don't know if I should.  
"Mom, did you ever wish that you had a better life?"  
Her eyes widen; she looks concerned.  
"What do you mean, honey?"  
"I don't even know if I should have moved out. I mean, I love living with Rick, but sometimes it gets pretty bad.  
"How bad?"  
"He's called me a bitch and-I don't know, our fights can get pretty brutal."  
"He's called you a bitch?"  
_Shit…_  
"Yeah," I say, "but he doesn't really mean it."  
"Well he has no right to call you that," she says. "That's kind of low for him to call you that. Do you tolerate that?"  
"No," I say. God, I'm a good liar.  
She smiles.  
"Good," she says. "Why do you stay with him, when he calls you that?"  
"Because to me, it's not a big deal," I say. "It's like saying the damn these days. It doesn't have that much effect. It's kinda lost its meaning."  
"Well. I wouldn't tolerate something like that."  
"Don't worry, mom, I know what I'm doing."  
She changes the subject.  
"Now tell me about these fights, Fern. I don't quite understand."  
"Well, a lot of times, we're in each other's faces about things and it escalates. We're yelling at each other a lot. I know couples fight mom, but they don't have as many fight as we do. I don't know what to do."  
"Why don't you leave?"  
"It's not that simple, mom, and besides, I don't think I wanna leave."  
"Well, maybe you should talk to him."  
I sigh.  
"We _have _talked, mom. We've talked a lot about this."  
"What triggers these fights?"  
"Well, the last fight that we had, it was over a friend of ours named Alex. She's not like my best friend or anything, but Rick and I see her a lot. Anyways, the last time we fought, I was trying to explain to Rick about how I was tired of her getting into our sex life..."  
And then I put my hand over my mouth. I can't believe what I just told my mother.  
"Sex life?" she asks  
I pause.  
"Yeah."  
"So you two have had sex?"  
"Yeah."  
"A lot?"  
"A couple of times," I say. "Don't worry, I'm careful."  
"Condoms every time?"  
"Well, the first time it happened I took the pill. I still take it. Don't worry mom, I'm not stupid."  
"Honey," she says, "you're anything but stupid. I just want you to be safe."  
"I am safe. Look, if I get pregnant, you'll be the first to know."  
"I don't want to think about that, Fern. You're 20."  
"I'm 21, mom."  
"Oh yeah," she says. "Forgot you had a birthday. That wasn't too long ago, was it?"  
I nod.  
"Next year, for my birthday, I'd like to do something with you."  
"Don't you want to celebrate it with your boyfriend?"  
"Oh, I will on the day of my birthday, but I was thinking that afterwards, we could do something?"  
"What did you have in mind?" she asks.  
"Maybe we could go out for dinner and I could stay at your place."  
"You miss home, don't you?"  
"I do," I say. "I really wish I hadn't left. It was a stupid idea."  
"Maybe not at the time, but now it doesn't seem all that great, does it?"  
"No," I tell her.  
"Honey, we'll do whatever you decide; it's your birthday."  
I smile.  
"Thanks, mom."  
"That's a long ways away, though. What I want to talk about is right now. What do you want to do right now?"  
"I'd like to go to sleep. It's been a long day."  
She smiles at me.  
"Okay. I'll probably be up for another hour or so. Let me know if you need me."  
"I will, mom, I will."  
She gets up off of the bed, walks out of the room and closes the door. I lay in my room for a few more minutes just to remind myself of my childhood memories. God, my life sure has changed, hasn't it? Before I fall asleep, I do something that don't usually do; I pray. I fold my hands together and close my eyes.  
_Please, God; please let everything be alright. I don't want my life to be like this anymore. I promise, I'll never make the same mistakes again. Please, there's got to be a better way._  
I then fall asleep. While I'm sleeping, I dream of the future and how wonderful it would be...


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

I get up out of bed at 10 AM-much later than usual-and head to the bathroom to take a shower; everybody's up already so it's not like noise is a problem. While freshening up, I take time to remind myself just where I am. I still can't believe that I stayed the night at my parents. After the shower, I get dressed and head downstairs to the kitchen, where my parents are eating breakfast. My eyes light up at what's been made: sausages, eggs, bacon, hash browns, and a whole whack of other stuff.  
"Good morning," mom says when she sees me walk in. "Are you hungry?"  
"Morning," I say. "I'm starving."  
I haven't had a big breakfast like this in a long time. Usually, I have cereal, but sometimes Rick takes me out; not often, though. I don't think that I've actually had a breakfast like this since I moved out.  
"How did you sleep?" Mike asks.  
"I slept well," I tell him as I make myself a plate. "It's good to be home. I miss my room."  
"We always knew you'd come back, honey," mom says. "That's why we didn't change it."  
She sees what I'm wearing.  
"You're wearing the same outfit?" she asks.  
"Yeah," I tell her. "I didn't bring a change of clothes; I don't know why."  
"It's okay," she says. "You're going home soon, right?"  
"Actually, I was hoping that we could spend the day together, if that's okay with you. I can go home later on tonight."  
"Sure, honey. What would you like to do?"  
"Maybe we could do lunch and a movie, how does that sound?"  
"That sounds fine," she says.  
After breakfast, I head to my room to relax. I turn on the TV and pop in Rain Man, which is one of my favorite movies. Honestly, I'd have to say that it's one of Dustan Hoffman's best. Noon comes quickly and mom opens my bedroom door. I'm listening to music.  
"Ready to go, honey?"  
I nod. We head outside to mom's car, and drive to Applebee's.  
We get into the restaurant and order. Mom speaks first after the waitress leaves.  
"So, what movie did you want to see?" She asks.  
"I was thinking _Iron Man 2_," I say. "It looks good. Is that okay with you?"  
"That's fine," she says. "Whatever you decide will be fine."  
I want to tell her; I want to tell her everything that's been going on, but I can't, I just can't. If I do, I know that she won't let me stay with him.  
"What's bothering you, Fern?" mom asks after twenty minutes.  
How do mothers know when you're upset? It's like they have a radar or something.  
"It's Rick," I say. "I feel as if we're drifting apart."  
"How so?"  
"We've been arguing a lot, like I said and we're just not doing the same things that we used to do. We went on a date a few weeks ago, but we aren't really that romantic anymore. It's like the spark's dying out."  
"Why don't you try taking initiative?"  
"I have, mom. I've been having sex with him to try to bring us closer together."  
"Then maybe sex isn't the answer," she says. "There's more to a relationship than sex."  
"I know, mom."  
"Do you? Honey, why do you want to be with him?"  
"I want to be with him because I love him."  
"Why do you love him?" She asks  
"I love him because he does so much for me. He helps me out when I'm feeling down. He's been through everything with me, and if I lost him, I don't know what I would do. He's always been there for me when I needed him. We always have fun when we go out. It's like we really click."  
"Maybe he's the one," she says.  
"I hope so," I say, "because if he isn't then this is just a huge waste of time."  
"Honey, it isn't a waste of time. Sometimes people fall in and out of love, but that doesn't mean that it's a waste of time. There's a reason for everything; take the relationship with your father and I for example. We had some differences, and that's why we didn't stay together, but if we didn't get married, then we wouldn't have had you. I don't think that I could ever imagine a world where I didn't have you."  
"Maybe you're right."  
"I know I'm right, Fern. Maybe you're in this situation because you need to have the opportunity to make your own decisions; you need to do what's right for you. You needed to move out of the house to see if you could do things on your own."  
"And now I regret it," I tell her.  
"We all make decisions we regret later, Fern. When you make those decisions, you have to learn from them and not make them again."  
I smile; she's right. I wish I could move back, but I can't leave Rick; I just can't.  
"If anything happens between you and your boyfriend," she says, "come straight to us. We'll help you no matter what."  
It's like she can read my mind. Why did I ever leave home?  
We finish lunch and then head to the movie; it's pretty good. When we finish, mom takes me home. I spend the rest of the day with her, finishing off with dinner. I need to know one more thing before I leave.  
"Mom," I say as I finish up my meal, "I know what we said earlier, but I still need some relationship advice. Mike, maybe you could help me."  
"Sure thing," he says, "how can I help?"  
"Well, as I've told you before, mom, I feel that Rick and I are drifting apart. I've been trying to take initiative, but nothing seems to work."  
"Well, you know what I like best about my relationship with your mother, Fern?"  
"What?" I ask.  
"I like the fact that the little things are what matters most. Your mother and I always try to do some little thing every week, whether it's watching a movie or going for a walk. Maybe you should try to do something small for him that would make him smile."  
And then I get a great idea.  
"Thanks Mike. I know what I need to do know," I say.  
"Can we know what it is?" he asks.  
"Not yet. I'll let you know later."  
I have to do this as soon as possible. I'm excited; I can't wait. When Rick picks me up, I say goodbye to my parents. I climb into the passenger seat and kiss him on the cheek.  
"Did you have a good time?" he asks.  
I nod.  
"It was a good idea coming here."  
"Are your parents still arguing?"  
I shake my head.  
"Everything seems to be much better; maybe the next time I come over to the house, you can come with me."  
"Sure," he says.  
I smile a foolish grin; he spots it.  
"What's that look for?" he asks.  
"Nothing," I say.  
"Come on, what is it?"  
"You'll find out later."  
"Can't wait," he says, and puts an arm around my shoulder.  
"I've missed you."  
"I've missed you, too. On Saturday, I've got a little surprise for you."  
"Will I like it?" he asks.  
"Trust me, you'll love it."  
He smiles. I love riding with him; especially at night, when he turns the radio on and plays soothing music. I feel a sense of comfort that I haven't felt in a long time; it's like everything is alright. I don't need to worry anymore


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

I get up around 7 AM and head to the shower. As the water runs down my body, I think about when I went to my parents; I knew that it was the right decision. I had to see them, but it's good to be back home. It's Friday; the last day before the weekend. I wish that I didn't have to go to work, but I know the reality; the bills have to be paid, and I need the money. I get out of the shower, put my work uniform on and head out the door. I'm not eating at home; I'll get some McDonald's on the way. I get to work about five minutes early, which gives me just about enough time to get set up. I don't think there'll be many customers today; Saturday's when the place gets busy.  
"Morning, Fern," a voice says. It's Sara, the owner of the store.  
"Morning," I say. "How are things?"  
"Not bad, but not great either. I moved out a week ago."  
"Moved out? What do you mean?"  
"Peter and I are getting divorced," she says.  
"Oh."  
She's been married ten years now. I didn't know that they split up. It's too bad, because her husband was a nice guy.  
"How are you feeling?"  
"Well," she says after thinking for a bit, "I miss him, and I wish that it could have worked out, but there's nothing I can do about it now, right? Shit happens." She changes the subject. "Anyways, how are you and your boyfriend doing?"  
"Good. We were having some problems, but we sorted things out." As I tell her this, my mind still dwells on what she just told me. I can't ignore something like that.  
"I want to go back to what you just said. Why did you guys split up?"  
"We've decided that we're different people now. We don't get along as well as we used to. I still like him, but I don't love him anymore."  
"Well, don't worry; the way you are, you won't have any trouble finding someone."  
"Thanks, Fern," she says, "that really makes me feel good."  
She's forty-five, dark-haired, and really attractive. The great thing about her is that she doesn't take those comments the wrong way. I know that some people would probably take that as an insult, but she's more laid back than others. She's had a lot of experience with relationships, so I know she knows what she's talking about. Plus, we know each other well  
Work goes well for the first while, and then after a couple of hours, _she _walks in. At first, I'm unsure of who it is, but then I take a good look at her face; I know it's her. I don't know what she's doing here in the first place; this isn't even her part of town. There's another video store that's not too far from where she lives, so why is she here? I keep an eye on her; she still looks the same as when we were in high school. She approaches the counter and places the movies on the table, looking down at her purse.  
"Hi, this is all I'm taking out-" And then she looks at me; her jaw drops.  
"HI." I fake a smile.  
"Oh my god. Fern? Is that you?"  
"Yeah. How's it going, Francine?"  
"Wow. It's, uh, it's going well."  
"Good. So these are the movies you're taking out?"  
"Yeah," she says. "They're for tonight."  
"Tonight?"  
"Yeah, Muffy invited the gang over to watch some movies."  
"So you still see the gang, huh?" I ask.  
"Yeah. H-how are you."  
"I'm doing well. I'm living with someone now; I've moved out of my house."  
"You're living with a guy?" she asks.  
"Yeah," I tell her, "he's a great guy."  
"That's good."  
I take a look at the movies; _From Paris With Love_ and _Steamboy_. I've never heard of the second one, and then I take a look at the cover. I didn't even know that we had this movie.  
"You're into anime?"  
"I'm trying to get into it," she says. "I heard that that this was a great movie."  
I don't know too much about that anime stuff. It's too weird for my liking.  
"Well, I hope you guys have a good time. Tell everyone I said hi."  
"I will." and then she calls out to me. "Did you want to come?"  
I can't believe she just asked me that; it's so out of the blue.  
"Sure, I'd love to; that is, if I can bring someone."  
"Your boyfriend?"  
"Yeah, is that okay?"  
"It's fine with me."  
"Great."  
She gives me the information and I write it down. I can't believe that I'm going to be seeing the gang. It's been a long time since I've seen them. I wonder if they even remember me. When I get home, I get changed and wait for Rick. When he comes in, I tell him about the party.  
"I thought you hated Francine," he says.  
"I guess, but, I don't know; she invited me, and I thought that it would be cool to see everyone again. Muffy's going to be there too."  
"Oh joy; the slut."  
"She's a slut?"  
"Yeah. She was always with a different guy all the time. If she just broke up with one, she'd have another one within a week.  
I knew that Muffy was a bitch, but I didn't know that she was _that _bad.  
"Well, aren't you glad you ended up with someone else?" I ask.  
"Very glad," he says, and kisses me.

We arrive at Muffy's house. I'm nervous; I don't know what to expect. What's gonna happen?  
_Deep breath, deep breath…_  
I knock on the door and Muffy opens it, smiling.  
"Hey," she says, as she lets me in, "I didn't think you would come."  
"Well, here I am," I say.  
"And who's this?" she's looking to my left.  
"You don't remember me, Mary?" Rick says  
And then she takes a good look at him.  
"Oh my god! Rick?"  
He nods.  
"How do you know Fern?"  
"We've been dating for three years," I tell her.  
She pauses in shock.  
"You...you two are dating?"  
I nod.  
"Oh." And then after a few seconds, "Well, come on in."  
The house hasn't changed much. It's just as big as it was when I was here a long time ago.  
The gang's in the living room, setting up the movie. We say hi to one another and start talking.  
"So, _this _is your boyfriend, huh, Fern?" Francine asks.  
"Yep, this is Rick." I turn to Arthur.  
"Hey, how's DW?"  
"She's actually called Dora now. She's doing well; haven't seen her much since I moved out of the house."  
"You moved out, too, huh?"  
"Yeah, for college. I rent a room with a bunch of other guys. It's nice, but I kind of miss home."  
"I understand."  
I notice that there's a couple of people missing.  
"Where's Buster?"  
"He's living with his dad now" Alan says, "We saw him a while back during the Christmas break, but that was about it."  
"And Sue Ellen?"  
"She's in Cleveland; she'll be back this weekend," Francine replies. "I'll tell her you said 'hi'."  
_Sure..._  
We start watching _Steamnboy_, which, to my surprise, turns out to be a pretty good movie. I didn't think that I would be someone who would like anime, but I guess I was wrong. After we finish the movies, we hang out for a while until Muffy calls me into the kitchen.  
"I need to talk to you about something."  
"What is it?"  
"Well...I just can't believe that you're going out with Rick."  
"Why?" I ask. "What's wrong?"  
"Fern, did he tell you that we went to high school together?"  
"Yeah"  
"He doesn't like me, does he?"  
I pause.  
"Do you want the truth?"  
"Yes."  
"No, he doesn't."  
"What has he said about me?" She asks.  
I keep quiet.  
"Come on, you can tell me. I won't be offended."  
It's quiet for a while; then I tell her.  
"He said that you had a lot of male friends; let's just leave it at that."  
"Figures," she says.  
"What do you mean?" I ask.  
"I turned him down, so he decides to be a jerk and call me a slut. He doesn't even know anything about me."  
I pause for a minute.  
"What do you mean by 'turned him down'?"  
"He _so _wanted to go out with me when we were in grade ten. He started calling me babe and flirting with me, asking for a date, so I told him to get lost. Then, he did the same thing a week later, practically bribing me to go on a date with him, but I wasn't up to any of his tricks. He kept asking me more and more, but I wasn't going to give in. Eventually, I told my dad about the problem and he took care of it. I never saw him after that until now."  
"Wow," I say  
"What?"  
"You're not going to believe this, but he pulled the same stuff on me."  
She's quiet for a minute, then laughs.  
"What?" I ask.  
"He hasn't changed. He's still the same jerk that I knew a long time ago."  
"He's not a jerk to me. Well, I mean, he was at the beginning, but he changed. Trust me, Muffy, if I knew about the way he acted with you, I would have never said yes."  
"How were you to know? Look, Fern, If you're happy with him, then that's great; but if you're not, well then I suggest that you find a way to get out of the relationship as fast as you can."  
Good advice.  
"Why did you say yes?" She asks.  
"Maybe because I really wanted to be with someone again, I guess. I didn't like the way he treated me at first, but maybe I said yes because I was tired of being alone and he was the one asking me out."  
"That's not that good of a reason," she says.  
"I know, but it's over now; there's nothing we can do about it. Despite everything that's happened, he's really a nice guy and he's really good to me."  
"Alright, Fern. As long as you know what you're doing."  
"Trust me, Muffy, I do."  
"Look," she says, "I only had three boyfriends in high school: one in grade nine, one in grade ten, and one in grade twelve, and the reason that I broke up with them was because we didn't have a lot in common."  
"I believe you," I say  
"So, just so we're clear, I'm not loose."  
"I know you're not, Muffy. Don't worry about it."  
She smiles. I decide to change the subject.  
"How's your dad doing?"  
"Well...Dad and I have had our differences."  
"What do you mean?" I ask.  
"My parents need a break from each other right now. They're still in love, but whenever they have a discussion of money, it gets pretty heated."  
"How bad?"  
"Well...can this be between just you and me?"  
"Of course."  
"I haven't even told Francine," she says.  
"Okay, what is it?"  
She pauses.  
"...Well, Mom's getting pretty tired of discussing donating to charity. She wants to help the less fortunate, but dad said that he's worked hard for his money and that he doesn't see any point in giving out handouts."  
I wonder what goes on inside that man's head. I don't understand how he could come up to that conclusion.  
"That's terrible," I tell her. "It isn't giving out a handout, those people are starving."  
"I know, Fern, I know. That's why I'm furious at Dad. He's gone to Florida for I don't know how long, and mom and I? Well, we've been doing okay, but it's a lot different without dad around."  
"I wish I could help."  
"I don't think that there's anything you could do," she says. "Thanks for the offer, though."  
"Well, you know what they say, 'the love of money is the root of all evil.'"  
She nods. I can't believe the situation with Muffy's father. I didn't know that he could be so cruel. Before we leave, Francine and I exchange numbers.  
"Call me sometime if you want."  
"I will," I say.  
I don't think that we'll talk much; I've got Michelle, so that's who I'll call if I need anything. I sit quietly in the car with Rick, upset at what Muffy told me.  
"What's wrong?" Rick asks  
"Muffy's been having some problems with her dad."  
"Family's falling apart, huh?"  
"No," I say, "she's just very angry at her father. Like I said, they've been having some problems."  
"Serves her right. Those rich bastards deserve everything they get."  
I slap his face and the car swerves into the next lane and then back.  
"What the hell was that for?" He asks.  
"What do you think?"  
"Jesus Christ, Fern, you could've killed me."  
"Well, you have no right to say that about her," I say. "Muffy's not like you think she is."  
"Yeah, I know; she's worse."  
"No, she isn't. She's not a bitch at all, she's changed. She's got a whole different attitude, Rick. You need to have more of an open mind about this."  
"Muffy Crosswire," he explains, "is a self-centered greedy little snob who gets everything she wants. She's never worked for a damn thing and she's pretty proud of that. I'm glad I didn't end up with her."  
"You never had the chance, Rick."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Don't play stupid," I say, "I know what went on between the two of you. You know how I found out? She told me. And you know what? I'm pretty disgusted. I can't believe that you pulled the same shit on me that you pulled on Muffy. And I also can't believe that I fell for it."  
"But it all worked out for the best, didn't it?"  
"Yeah, but, still, it was totally out of line."  
"Well, then, if you didn't like it, then why did you say yes."  
"Because, I was desperate, Rick; I finally wanted to be the center of attention and you were the only one who would've given it to me." And then I cover my mouth in regret for what I've said. I've never actually figured out why I said yes to that first date with him, until now. He pulls over and looks at me sharply.  
"What?" he asks, angrily.  
"I am so sorry, Rick"  
"So, all this time I'm just some guy you hang out with for the hell of it?"  
"No," I try to explain, "that's not what I-"  
He cuts me off.  
"Well, what did you mean? You know what it is with you women? You like to fuck around with guys all the time, huh? You tease them, make them think they have a chance, and then when they try their fucking hardest, you shove it in their faces. So you know what? You can fuck off."  
"No, you know what guys do?" I say. "They put on a bullshit act and call girls little pet names like 'babe' and see almost every girl like a little Playboy bunny. All guys think about is tits and ass and it makes us girls wonder why we would even date them in the first place. I remember when you told me that I was one hell of a looker. I'm not stupid, Rick, I knew what you were thinking. That's it; I knew it, I Knew I shouldn't have slept with you, but I was too stupid to listen to my own conscience."  
"You didn't have to sleep with me if you didn't want to. I know you wouldn't if you didn't want to. But the fact that you did makes me think that you like it; a lot. I know that you'd do it again if I asked, because you like it. It makes you feel important. And besides, you know that it's hot; it makes you feel powerful."  
"So, what, you think I'm a slut?"  
"Maybe not a slut," he says, "but you know how to have a good time."  
"That's it. Let's go."  
"Go? Go where?"  
"Take me to Michelle's. I can't stay with you tonight," I say.  
"You're not going anywhere. We're going home together."  
"You can't control me."  
"Fern, don't push me, I'm warning you."  
"What are you going to do?" I ask, "Hit me again? This time I _will _call the police. It's up to, Rick. Make your move."  
There's a pause.  
"Fine," he says, "you wanna go, then go, but I'm not driving you."  
"There's a bus stop nearby. You can drop me off there."  
"No, you can walk. I'm not taking you anywhere but home."  
"I'm not going home with you."  
"Then get out of the car." He pulls over to a curb.  
"Get out," he says  
"No."  
"Then, come home with me."  
"I told you I'm not going home with you."  
"You have two options," he says. "Either you get the fuck out of this car or come home with me. What's it gonna be, Fern? I don't have all day."  
I'm quiet for a minute.  
"Please, just drive me to the bus stop-"  
"No. Will you make up your mind already?"  
That's it.  
"Fine, I'm going. And don't follow me."  
I get out of the car and head to the bus terminal. Thank God, I've got change. I get off at a stop near Michelle's and race to her house, ringing the doorbell. Steve opens it, surprised to see me.  
"Hi," he says.  
"Hi. Can I come in? Something's gone on."  
"Sure." he calls to Michelle. "Honey, Fern's here."  
Michelle comes to the front door.  
"Fern? What are you doing here?"  
"I need to talk to you about something; it's kind of important."  
"Sure. Let's go to the kitchen."  
She leads me into the kitchen, where I explain everything to her. I haven't told her about him being abusive to me, though I don't know why.  
"He did _what_?"  
I've told her about what's happened tonight and about the first time I met him.  
"I'm so tired of all the bullshit," I say.  
"Fern, If I were you, I wouldn't have asked him out. In all the years I've known him, I never thought that he would do something that stupid."  
"What am I going to do?" I ask.  
"You could leave him," she suggests.  
"No, I could never leave him; I love him too much."  
"Well, then the two of you need to have a long talk; a really long talk."  
"Maybe you're right."  
Just then the phone rings; Steve picks it up. I know who it is.  
"Fern," he says, "Rick's on the other line, do you want to talk to him."  
I guess I better, just to get things over with. I pick up the phone.  
"Hey," a voice comes over the other line.  
"Hey," I reply. "Are you crying?"  
"Yeah," he says. "I'm so sorry."  
"You've said that so many times before."  
"This time I mean it, babe. No more. From now on, no more; I'm not gonna do this anymore. I don't blame you for the way you felt when we first met; I was a first class jerk. I love you so much, babe, if I lost you, I don't know what I'd do."  
"I know, I know. I love you, too," I tell him.  
"Please, come home, Fern, please. I promise I'll make it up to you."  
I have to think about it for a little bit.  
"Okay, I'll come home."  
"Thanks, babe, you're the best. I love you."  
I manage to say, "I love you too" before hanging up the phone.  
"Well?" Michelle asks.  
"I'm going home," I say. "Michelle, can you give me a ride? I hate to be a bother, but I don't have any more change for the bus."  
"Sure," she says. "You're not bothering me, don't worry about it."  
We get into her car and she drives me home. I look at her as she climbs into the driver's seat.  
"What?" she asks.  
"Well," I say, "I'm still thinking about our conversation in the car. I can't believe that comment he made about women."  
"Hey, you nailed it when you talked about most guys."  
"What about Steve?"  
"Steve? He's not like one of those guys. I mean, of course, he put the moves on me a little bit in the beginning, but nothing like what Rick did."  
"I wish I had a guy like that," I say.  
"Maybe you'll find one, Fern. You just need some time. Who knows? Maybe Rick's that guy and you just don't know it yet."  
"I don't know. People don't usually change that drastically."  
"Look, Fern, you have to think positive. I know that one way or another, things will get better. Trust me."  
She smiles at me and I smile back.  
"Thanks, Michelle; I really needed that."  
She turns on the radio; "That's What Friends Are For" plays, and it reminds me of how I feel about her. We head back to the apartment.  
"Thanks for the ride," I say after we arrive.  
"Anytime. Look, Fern, you shouldn't have hit him like that."  
_Why not? He gets to hit me every once in a while. So, why can't I?_  
"I know," I tell her, "but you have to admit, he was wrong as well."  
"You're right, but two wrongs don't make a right."  
I sigh. If she only knew what was going on; but I can't tell her, I just can't.  
"Don't worry about me," I say, "I'll be fine."  
"You sure about that?"  
I nod.  
"I'm sure. See you later, Michelle."  
I get out of the car and head towards my apartment. When I get in, the room's a mess; everything's all mixed up. I walk into our room to find him crying, lying face down on the bed. He looks horrible.  
"Hey," I say. He looks up at me, with tears in his eyes.  
"Are you okay?"  
"Feeling a little bit better," I tell him, "but I'm still pissed."  
"Too pissed to accept an apology?"  
I bite my lip.  
"Can I think about it?"  
"Babe, please, please don't leave me. Please, I don't know what I'd do without you."  
"Rick, we need to talk."  
"No," he says, even more upset. "I know where this is going. It always goes this way. You say 'we need to talk', then the next thing you know, we're through. I don`t wanna lose you."  
"You're not gonna lose me. We just need to have a long talk. You can't base life on those stupid magazines and movies you see. This isn't code, Rick; we just need to talk about what's been going on."  
"What's there to talk about?"  
"Everything," I say. "I'm so sick of us living like this; it seems that all we do lately is fight. I don't wanna fight anymore. I don't wanna get hurt anymore. We need to work things out instead of getting angry. When I was talking to you about Alex, you could've handled it better instead of telling me to lighten up."  
"Well, you do need to lighten up."  
"That's beside the point, Rick. You used to be a little more considerate, but now you think that every time I have a problem, it's no big deal."  
"Is that what you think? You think that I don't think that it's a big deal? Who helped you when you were having problems with your parents? Who told you that you could live here? Who said that you would get help every step of the way? Who drove you to your parents when you were ready? At first I didn't think that it was the best idea, but when you came back out and told me that you were staying, I knew you had made the right decision. I've always stuck up for you and been there for you, so don't you ever tell me that I think you're problems are no big deal, okay?"  
"You could've been a little bit more considerate with the situation with Alex," I say.  
"You're still on that?" he asks. "Alright, maybe I could have been more sympathetic, but you need to let these things go. Get the fuck over it."  
"Shut up," I yell, "just shut up. We're doing it again; we're fighting. I'm so fuckin' sick of us fighting. This is what I was talking about; why can't we just talk things over? "  
There's silence for a while. After a short while, he speaks.  
"Alright," he says calmly. "You wanna talk? Let's talk."  
I take a deep breath.  
"Look," I say, "truth is that I'm scared of losing you, too. I really want us to be like we used to be. We both need to work things out. I will if you will, okay?"  
He nods.  
"I love you," I continue, "but like I've said before, we can't keep living like this. Things need to change."  
"You're right."  
"I promise to pull my own weight if you will."  
"I will, Fern. I promise."  
"We need to stick together, no matter what happens," I say.  
"No matter what happens," he says in agreement. "I love you, too. Are we still on for tomorrow?"  
"Yeah," I say, "you're gonna love it."  
"I know I will."  
He leads me into the bedroom and we get ready for bed. It feels like everything's happening all at once, but I know that I can get through this. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, and I don't know if I wanna face it, but It's not like I have a choice. I said that I love him, but now I'm not so sure. I guess I just need to take life one day at a time, and worry about the future later. As I lay in my bed, I pray to God. I need help; and I need it fast


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Luckily for me, I have some weekends off, which is a good thing. I know how busy it can get on Saturday. Rick's at work, so I have the day to myself, which is always nice. I shower, get dressed and get breakfast. After breakfast, I head out to do some grocery shopping; a girl's gotta eat, right? After I get my groceries, I head back to the car, drive home, put the groceries away, and relax for about an hour. I spend my time checking e-mail, listening to music, and going over the bills. Sometimes I think I should just get rid of the cable. I mean, I don't even watch it half the time, and the shows I watch, I can get online. I`ll still have the TV to watch a movie or something like that, but do I really need the cable? I could just as well get antenna and that would suit me fine. Rick likes his cable, though, so I don't think that it'll work. Around noon, I head out for lunch. There's a Chili's around somewhere, so I go for that. After I sit down and order my food, I notice someone sitting at the table not too far from where I am. He looks familiar, but I can't really figure out who it is. I decide to ignore it and go amongst my business. The food comes within twenty minutes. I'm starving; I should've had a better breakfast. A half-hour later, as I come out of the restroom, I bump into the person who I was looking at before.  
"Sorry," I say, and then I look up at his face; I can't believe who it is.  
"Patrick?"  
"Fern? Is that really you?"  
It _is _him. What's he doing here?  
I smile.  
"Yeah, it's me. What are you doing here, aren't you supposed to be in New York?"  
"My parents found work here again. Wow, it's great to see you. How are you?"  
"I'm good," I tell him, "It's good to see you, too."  
He sure looks different then when we started dating. He looks really cute now that he's older.  
"How long are you staying here for?" I ask.  
"Hopefully for good," he says. "I loved New York, but, It's good to be in Elwood again. "  
"You have a girlfriend?" Why did I ask him that? What was the point of asking him that?  
He shakes his head.  
"No, I had one while I was In New York, but we broke up two years ago."  
"Oh."  
"I don't wanna talk about it, though," he says. "What I really want to talk about is you. What's new with you?"  
"Well..." Should I tell him about my life? If anyone really knew, they'd be shocked. I decide to play it cool.  
"I'm living in an apartment with someone right now. Other than that, nothing's really new with me."  
"Oh," he says, "you've got a boyfriend?"  
_Yes, I have this awesome hot boyfriend; he's so good to me, and the sex is amazing. That's right, we have sex; sometimes a couple of nights a week. He's so good, he's better than you ever were to me. Jealous much?_  
"Yeah, we've been living together for about just a little over a year."  
"I'm happy for you," he says.  
That makes two of us.  
_I love you; I still love you and I can't deny it.__.__.I want to be with you again, but know I can't, and it hurts._  
I don't know why I'm talking with him; maybe it's because I can't let go of the past. I can't stop thinking about it. I gotta say something.  
_Don`t; don`t you do it. If you do, it'll ruin things. Just keep quiet and smile._  
"Fern, is something wrong?"  
_Shit_  
"No," I lie, "nothing's wrong. It's-it's just a little awkward seeing you after so long."  
_What the hell am I doing?_  
"Oh, don't worry about that," he says. "I feel the same way. It'll pass. Are you sure you're okay?"  
"I'm sure. Why do you ask?"  
"You look concerned about something," he says.  
_Shit, shit; keep it together._  
"Everything's fine. Don't worry about it."  
"Okay. Look, I have to go, but I'll give you my number. Call me sometime. We should catch up."  
I nod.  
"Yeah, that sounds great."  
_Don't count on it._  
"See you around then?"  
"Yeah, see you around."  
I finish my meal, pay the bill, and head back to the car. I get home and decide to relax for the rest of the day by watching TV. Around four, I call Rick on his cell. Thankfully, he picks up  
"Hello?"  
"Hey," I say on the other line, "don't pick up dinner, I'm cooking tonight."  
"Oh, okay. What are you cooking?"  
"A little surprise. You'll find out when you get home."  
"Okay, see ya, babe."  
I'm going to make his favorite; tortellini with shrimp and alfredo sauce; he's going to love it. After I call him, I head to the liquor store for some champagne. We haven't had a nice evening alone in a while. I get into the apartment around 4:30, and start making dinner. While it's cooking, I make a quick change. I put on the black dress with rhinestones. I've been saving that dress for a special moment, and now I think I've found that moment. He comes in around six; I'm sitting at the table waiting for him.  
"Anyone home?" he asks  
"Hey," I call from the dining room.  
He comes towards where I am and takes a look at what's in front of him; two plates of pasta, and a bottle of champagne with two glasses on each side, candles, and me in a black dress.  
"Wow," he says when he sees me. "You look great. You didn't have to get dressed up for me."  
"I know," I say. "I haven't worn this dress in a long time, have I?"  
"Well, I'm glad you're wearing it now."  
He sits down and stares at me.  
"And this is for..."  
"For appreciation," I say; a big grin on my face.  
"And what is a dinner without…chanpag-nia."  
"Sham-what?"  
"Champag-nia," I say  
"I think you mean champagne."  
"It's a sketch from Saturday Night Live. Christopher Walken did a sketch called _The Continental_, where he would offer a woman champagne. Only he would call it champag-nia."  
"I'll have to see that," he says.  
"Trust me, it's funny."  
I have a huge grin on my face. He notices it.  
"What's up?" he asks  
"Nothing," I say, grinning wider.  
"What did you do all day?"  
"Basically, I just relaxed, watched some TV, and had a nice lunch. Oh, I also ran into one of my old friends."  
HIs eyes widen.  
_Shit._  
"Really? Is this one of your friends from school?"  
"No," I say, "This is just a guy I used to know when I was 16. We were really good friends."  
"Did you date him?"  
"No." Another lie. I don't wanna get into this.  
"We were just really good friends. We hadn't seen each other in a while because he moved, but now he's back in Elwood, which is a good thing."  
"I'm happy for you," he says. "I'd like to meet him one day."  
_No way in hell. Not gonna happen_  
"Maybe," I tell him. What else am I going to say? No, you can't meet him. I can't tell you why, but you just can't.  
"When did you run into him?"  
What is this, 20 questions?  
"While I was having lunch. He gave me his number."  
"Call him sometime"  
"What, are you jealous or something?"  
He laughs.  
"Fern, I'm not jealous whatsoever. This guy was a good friend of yours, so why wouldn't you want to spent time with him?"  
"Uh...okay."  
_He was more than just a good friend, he was__…__forget it_  
"You're looking too much into things," he says. "If you don't want to hang out with him, then that's fine-"  
"But I do."  
_Shit._  
"Well, then hang out with him."  
"So you're not jealous whatsoever?" I ask.  
"Nope."  
"Oh."  
I smile at him. Maybe I _am _looking too much into things. I just imagined Rick to be one of those jealous boyfriends but maybe he's not.  
"He's your friend, so why should I be jealous," he says.  
I pour myself another glass of champagne. Hopefully if I'm drunk enough I can forget this conversation ever happened; sex would help, too. He smiles and I sip my glass. I start to feel a little tipsy. When we finish our food, he looks up at me from the table.  
"You know that you didn't have to get so dressed up for me," he says.  
"You've already said that; I wanted to."  
"I know, but just so you know, you don't have to wear that dress."  
"Then I won't," I say, and I quickly remove it.  
"Wow," he says.  
"Better?" I ask.  
"Much. You look-you look hot."  
I never considered myself to be hot. I love my body, but I'm not like a Playboy bunnie or anything.  
"Thanks," I say, feeling my heart race. And then I remember something.  
"I should've closed the curtains."  
"So what?" he asks. "We're up high."  
"People could see."  
"Ah, who cares," he asks. "If the wanna look, then let 'em look. It's nothing to be embarrassed about."  
Maybe he's right. I mean, it's not like it's anything dirty...yet  
_Yeah, let 'em look._  
As we continue eating, I start to laugh to myself; he notices it.  
"What's so funny?" he asks.  
"I feel kind of awkward like this. I'm naked, having dinner with my boyfriend. I don't know if this makes me a nudist or just very open-minded."  
"It doesn't matter to me," he says.  
"Well, it feels great. I could see myself doing this more often."  
"I wouldn't mind that."  
I figured he'd say something like that. I was serious about what I told him. And then a fantasy runs through my mind. He's come home from a hard day of work, and sees me cooking in the kitchen. I'm wearing oven mitts...only oven mitts. As I'm cooking, I drop something on the floor on purpose and bend over to pick it up. I bet he'd like that. Yeah, I know he would.  
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" he asks after two minutes of silence  
I nod  
"Meet me in the bedroom," he says.  
He leaves, and I quickly finish my champagne. I race to the bedroom, and there he is; naked, under the covers. I close the door, walk over and kiss him, pulling back the sheets.  
"Now _you _look hot," I say. I lay on top of him, kissing him constantly, feeling his body. He fondles my breasts; I let out a moan. His wet lips move down my body; I'm loving every minute of it. Him touching me, tasting me, pleasing me. And then he grabs a hold on to me, tightly, and I find myself making love to him. He's amazing; I feel a rush that I haven't felt in a long time. I feel closer to him than ever; I almost can't breathe. More moaning, screaming even. Back and forth, back and forth, without stopping; his hands all over me. I feel powerful; strong.  
"Oh, God, don't stop, don't stop."  
I can't stop kissing him; and then, a few minutes later, I let out a loud yell, and collapse onto him. He rubs my back, and I turn to lie on the other side of the bed; I light a cigarette. Oh, god, that was great.  
He kisses me on the lips one last time and smiles.  
"God," is all I can say.  
"Pretty intense, huh?"  
"Felt like the first time."  
"I know what you mean," he says. I put my arm around him.  
"I love you"  
"I love you, too," he says. "You okay?"  
I nod. My heart's still beating fast. I'm wired.  
"I feel so energetic; I feel hyper, it's like I could run a marathon or something."  
"Take a deep breath, babe," he says, "you need to calm down."  
"I know, I know."  
"Let me feel your heart."  
He puts a hand over my chest. I feel a rapid continuous thud.  
"Wow," says "you're excited, aren't you."  
"What do you think?" I ask. "Of course I'm excited. Is that hand going anywhere else?"  
"Not for a while." A smile; devilish.  
Breathe in, breathe out. I eventually relax myself. We lay in bed, not talking. The clock reads seven, but I'm dead tired.  
"I think I need to get some sleep," I say.  
"It's early, babe."  
"I know, but I don't think I could stay up much longer."  
"Okay," he says, "maybe I need to get some shut eye, too."  
I close my eyes, listening to the silence.  
"Rick?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Do ever think of the future?"  
He rubs my back.  
"All the time. Why?"  
"Just wondering. Do you ever want kids?"  
He pauses.  
"I don't know, babe. That's a big commitment. I don't think I could handle being a father. Why, do you want kids?"  
"Someday," I say, "I don't know about right now, though; maybe later."  
"Well, I'll stick with you no matter what; even if we do have kids. I guess being a father couldn't be all that bad."  
"I'd like a girl one day. I'd like to have a daughter that I can take care of. I've always wanted a little girl."  
"Maybe you will. Right now I think your focus should be on going to sleep. We can talk about this later, if you want."  
"Sure," I say, smiling. "Good night."  
I start dreaming about our future; about us having a child. I don't think I'm ready for being a mother yet, but it would be cool someday...


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13  
I get up around five; it's way too early, but I can't sleep. Rick sleeps like a log, so if I make a little bit of noise, it won't bother him; unless he sleeps light like he sometimes does. I go to the kitchen for a quick breakfast-just some cereal-and sit down at the table. After breakfast, I head to the shower. Rick appears to be in one of his deep sleeps, so I don't need to worry. I feel warm, so I turn the temperature to cold and let go. Within a few minutes, I hear the bathroom door open. The curtain is pulled and I jump, trying to cover myself, before I realize who it is.  
"Jesus Christ," I say, "you scared me."  
"What are you doing up this early?" Rick asks. "You don't have to go to work for a couple of hours."  
"I know," I say, "but I couldn't sleep. I was hoping that you were in one of your deep sleeps and I wouldn't have to wake you."  
He yawns.  
"Next time, don't shower this early, okay? I could've gotten at least another hour's sleep."  
"I'm sorry," I say.  
"It's cool."  
He removes his clothes  
"Alright, I'm coming in."  
He steps into the shower, feels the water, and screams.  
"Fuck, it's cold"  
"Sorry," I say, "I was feeling warm."  
"Warn me before you change the temperature."  
He warms up the shower.  
"Much better," he says.  
"How did you sleep?"  
"I slept well, until I heard the shower going."  
"Okay, I'm sorry. I'll wait 'till you get up next time."  
"No big," he says.  
"You're still wired from last night, aren't you."  
"A little bit."  
"Don't worry, you'll calm down."  
"I know." I smile. He kisses me.  
"Mmm, did I ever tell you that you're a great kisser?"  
"All the time," he replies, and then changes the subject  
"So what's on the agenda for you today?" he asks.  
"Well, all that I've got today is work, so, not much, you?"  
"Same, just work. I hate Wal-Mart."  
"Well, the video store isn't that thrilling either, so, you're not alone."  
I look down at my feet.  
"Something wrong, babe?" Rick asks  
"Well, I was thinking about last night?"  
"What about?"  
"Well, I'm just worried; what if I get pregnant?"  
"Don't worry," he says, "you're not gonna get pregnant."  
"Are you sure?"  
"I'm positive."  
"What if you're wrong?"  
"Then we'll deal with it, babe. Trust me; everything's going to be alright."  
I hope I can believe him; I really do. We finish showering together and leave for work; he drives me.  
"Don't worry about a thing," he says as I get out of the car. I walk into the store to see Sarah sitting at the front desk.  
"Good morning," I say.  
She looks up at me.  
"Fern, hi, I didn't hear you come in; I guess I was a little preoccupied."  
"With what?" I ask.  
"Well, I don't know how to tell you this but...we're being closed down."  
I'm shocked.  
"What?" I ask, all panicked.  
"Fern," she says, "you knew this would happen one day, with the downloading of movies and on demand stuff. I'm sorry, but this is the way things have to be."  
"So you're firing me?"  
"Not firing, letting you go. We'll give you until next Sunday and pay you for the week, but that's it. So we have you for one more week."  
"I just can't believe it; after all this time-"  
"It has nothing to do with you," she says.  
"How long have you known about this?" I ask.  
"For a couple of weeks."  
"And you decide to tell me now? What the hell?"  
"Watch your language, Fern, you're at work."  
"I don't care, Sarah. You'd think that you could give me a little more time."  
"Look," she says, "I didn't tell you because I was worried about how you'd handle it. I'm sorry."  
I sigh and put my head down on the counter. I can't believe it; they're letting me go. I've been working there for five years now. I don't want this to happen. God, how am I ever gonna find a job in this economy.  
"Are you okay?" Sarah asks.  
"Yeah, I'm fine," I say, lifting my head up. "I'll be alright."  
"Look, don't worry about a thing, you'll find a new job in no time."  
I smile, and then...  
"I can't believe how hard this is on you. This is probably harder on you than it is on me, isn't it?"  
She sighs.  
"Yeah, with the divorce and everything. I feel horrible. We're singing the final papers tomorrow and then it'll be official."  
Wow; scary.  
"It's very hard on me, Fern, but at least I have you for one more week. Like I said before, don't worry; things will turn up soon."  
I wish I could believe her, but I just don't know. Work goes normal as usual; there's not as many customers since it's Sunday. Before I leave, Sarah calls me over to the front desk.  
"What's up?" I ask.  
"How about if I treat you to lunch on your last day of work?"  
"Sure, thanks."  
"You're a hard worker, Fern," she says, "and I wouldn't want your work to go unrewarded."  
"Well, your pay is a good enough reward for me."  
"I know, but I still would like to do something for you, so that'll be something to look forward to."  
It would be nice to have lunch with her; I can't wait. When I get home, I lay on the bed, feeling exhausted. I don't even hear Rick when he walks through the bedroom door.  
"Hey," he says, and I jump. I turn around and he looks at me.  
"You okay babe?"  
"I'm being laid off. My last day is next Sunday."  
"That's terrible," he says. "You gonna be alright?"  
I nod.  
"It's just, I've been working for them for so long, you know? Sarah's been so good to me; I don't know what I'd do without her."  
"You're taking it well."  
"Wait until Sunday," I say, "I'll probably start crying by then."  
"If you need a shoulder, I'm here."  
"Thanks."  
Wow; for once, he's being considerate. He notices me looking down.  
"There's something else bothering you, what is it?"  
"Well, Sarah's getting divorced."  
He stops.  
"Oh."  
"I know, right? There's not much you can say to that. I feel so bad for her, and now she`s out of work, so this is even worse."  
"Well, I wanna focus on you. Are you gonna be okay?"  
"Yes," I say, "I will. I'm going out for lunch on Sunday with her, so that will be nice."  
"And then maybe I'll cook dinner for you. How does that sound?"  
My eyes widen.  
"You'd do that for me."  
"Sure. I mean, what kind of a person would I be if I didn't do something nice for my girl?"  
"I don't think you've ever called me that before."  
"What?"  
"You've never called me your girl before."  
"Well," he says with a smile, "there's a first for everything. You want dinner?"  
"I'm so tired, Rick. I don't feel like cooking anything."  
"How 'bout if I just make up a pizza in the oven."  
"Sure," I reply, "I'm not too hungry, so, I'll just have a slice."  
He goes to the kitchen and heats up the oven. I walk into the living room and turn on the radio; there's some rock playing. I like my music.  
It gets a little warm with the oven on, so I change into my underwear and head back out. I know that I could've put on shorts and a T-shirt, but I like getting him excited.  
"Wow, what the hell?" he asks when I come back out to the kitchen.  
"I was feeling warm with the oven on."  
"Is that all?"  
"No." A smile. "What do you think?"  
"Hot," he says.  
When dinner's ready, he heads back to the bedroom.  
"What are you doing?" I ask.  
"Hold on," he says, and then comes out shirtless in his boxers.  
"Wow," I say, "hot."  
While we eat dinner, I notice that he can't stop smiling at me. After a few minutes, I realize what he's thinking.  
"No," I say, "Not tonight."  
"Why not?"  
"We just did that last night. C'mon, give me a break."  
"It'll make you feel better. You _have _had a rough day with what Sara told you."  
I shake my head.  
"No, what I'd like you to do is just give me a massage; that's all."  
"Are you sure?"  
A nod.  
"Positive. I think I've had enough excitement for one week."  
"Understandable." We clean up and watch some more TV. There's an old movie on, so we sit and watch that. After the movie, I lead him into bed and we get under the covers; he gives me a massage.  
"Oh, that feels so good," I say. I picture myself on a beach, with no one around except for us. I let out a moan, not realizing what's going on.  
"Whoa, slow down there babe."  
"Sorry," I say, "long day."  
I go back to the beach. It's late at night, we're all alone and he kisses me softly. We've just come back from a nice swim. I lay down beside him, telling him all my thoughts. He doesn't speak; he just listens.  
After the massage, he lays down beside me.  
"Thank you," I say, "that's just what I needed."  
"It was probably a better idea than sex, wasn't it?"  
"Yes. You know I love having sex with you, but I can do without it."  
"Maybe I can, too," he says. "I think that we need to focus more on the little things, instead."  
"Yeah. So what if we don't have sex for a while? We'll still be stronger than ever, right?"  
"Absolutely. Just let me know if I'm getting too pushy."  
"Don't worry," I say, "you're not getting too pushy."  
We lie in bed talking for an hour; I don't think that we've ever done something like that before. I love talking to him; that's one of the reasons that I fell in love with him. I don't know what'll happen in the future, but I don't care. I'm with him right now; that's all I need.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

So, it's Sunday; my last day of work. It's kind of nice that I don't have as many customers; I think it would add to the stress. At least I have Rick. There'd be no contest; I'd know what would be worse. I couldn't lose Rick no matter what. I know that it sounds rather bad, but that's the way I feel. I try desperately to hide the tears, and I do a pretty good job; however there's one time when I run into the restroom for a few minutes. I don't know if I could find another job, or even let go of this one for that matter; I love it so much.  
It's about 11:30, when I see a familiar face walk in; it's Alex. I thought she was working today.  
_Deep breath, deep breath, don't let her get to you._  
"Hi, Fern."  
I smile; she can be a bitch sometime, but it's not like I hate her.  
"Hi, Alex. What brings you here?"  
"Just wanted to return this movie I rented yesterday. I didn't see you here."  
"I worked an evening shift on Saturday. I guess you were here in the afternoon."  
"Yeah," she says.  
A thought runs in my head.  
_Not at work; wait until you get off work and then talk._  
"So, what's new with you?" she asks. "It's been a week since we've seen each other, right?"  
"Yeah," I say, "though we haven't really said much since the last time you called."  
"Yeah, look, I know that it's been awkward between us, but don't worry, everything will be fine. And I'm sorry if I offended you."  
I sigh.  
"It's cool."  
"Great," she says. "So, seriously, how are things with you and Rick?"  
"Good," I reply, "I feel closer to him than I've ever been before."  
"Why is that?"  
"Because, we've been talking more and...I don't know, I just feel that we can communicate better."  
"Well, that's good, isn't it?" she asks.  
I nod.  
"I think that things are finally turning up for me."  
"I'm happy for you."  
I change the subject.  
"Do you think I worry too much?"  
There's a pause.  
"Maybe a little bit, why?"  
"Well," I say, "maybe I get too worked up with what people say about me."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Well, look at the way I acted while we were playing cards. I shouldn't have freaked out like that, but I was just so shocked that you would bring something like that up."  
"I did it as a joke, Fern," she says, "I didn't mean to get into your personal life."  
"Well, it's not funny."  
"Okay, so maybe I was out of line a little bit, but did you really have to act like that?"  
"No. Maybe I need to let the little things go."  
"And I need to learn when to shut my mouth. Anyways, Fern, these are the movies I'm buying."  
"So that's $7.00"  
"Not a bad price," she says.  
She's bought _Away we go _and _Top Gun_; really good movies.  
"See you around," she says as she heads out the door.  
Things get a bit slower for the rest of the day; I guess movie rentals have had their day, but I'm still gonna miss this place. So far, it was the best place I've ever worked at. Lunchtime arrives and Sarah approaches me.  
"Are we ready?"  
"Yep," I say, as we both head out the door. She picks this nice little sandwich shop not too far from the store. We get in, order our food, and sit down  
"This is nice," I say.  
"It is," she replies.  
"I'll miss you Sarah. You were really good to me."  
"I know, I'll miss you, too. You were one of my best employees."  
"Really?"  
She nods. "You've worked so hard this past year."  
I take a bite of my chicken Cesar salad sandwich; it's really good, I haven't had one in a long time.  
"Sarah, do you think that I'll find another job?" I ask after twenty minutes.  
She looks at me as if to say what kind of question is that?  
"Of course, why wouldn't you? You're a great employee."  
"It's just that…well, the economy isn't doing that well and not a lot of people are hiring at a time like this, so I thought that it was almost impossible."  
"Nothing's impossible, Fern,"  
"That's why I said _almost_," I reply  
"Fern, you need to give yourself a little more credit. I know that you'll find a job soon, don't worry about it. I guarantee it will happen. You can even use me as a reference."  
"Thanks."  
I look down at my plate, feeling concerned about my future. Am I gonna get pregnant? Can I find another job? I honestly don't know what to do right now. I've got bills to pay, and I don't think that just one of us working would be enough to cover it...  
"Fern, is something wrong?"  
It's like she's psychic or something.  
"There's a lot going on in my life now, Sarah. Today's my last day, and I've just been having some personal issues right now."  
"Like what?"  
I can't tell her; it's too personal, but then again, we've talked about a lot of personal things before.  
"I don't know if I should tell you."  
"It's up to you, Fern," she says, "but I know that something's up."  
I'd better get it off my chest.  
"I...I think I might be pregnant."  
She stops eating and looks at me with concern.  
"Oh," she says, in total shock. "You're serious, aren't you?"  
"Yeah."  
"How do you know for sure?"  
"I don't; that's why I need find out."  
"Try to find out as soon as possible. You're too young to have a kid; you're only 21."  
"Tell me about it," I say. "I don't know how I got myself into this mess."  
"Well, like I've said before, shit happens."  
"Yeah," I say, "it sure does, but it doesn't have to happen this soon."  
"I guess it's one of life's mysteries."  
Lunch ends soon and I head back to work. At the end of my shift, Sarah calls me over to the counter.  
"Fern, I want to say thank you for all that you've done. You like McDonald's right?"  
"Yeah."  
"Well, here's a gift $10 gift certificate."  
Wow, she didn't have to do that; that was really nice. I'll probably use it this weekend for lunch.  
"Thanks for everything, Sarah," I say as I head out for home.  
"Anytime," she says.  
As I get into the car and head for home, I start to choke up. Why did I have to lose this job, why?  
I get into the apartment and head into my room; I'm bawling my eyes out about now. I feel like shit; why can't things go right for once? It's a half hour later before Rick comes home. He walks into the room and sees me crying.  
"Hey," he says, "what's wrong?"  
"Today was my last day," I say, all choked up.  
"I know. Look, don't worry about it, I'm gonna make you a nice dinner and-"  
"Don't worry about it?" I ask, "How could I not worry about it? I don't have a job for God's sakes."  
"I know, but just try to relax; everything will be fine, trust me. It won't be long before you have another job."  
"You sure about that."  
"Of course."  
He heads to the kitchen. "How does pasta and sausage sound?"  
"That's okay with me."  
I lay in my room, while he cooks; I'm tired, it's been a long day. The tears have started to lessen, but I just can't help myself. Twenty minutes later, he comes in and rubs my back.  
"You feel better?"  
"A little bit. Five years, can you believe it? I've been working there for five years, and then the store closes down. It's not fair."  
"I know it isn't, babe," he says, "but things happen. I'm not asking you to let it go, because I know that would be hard right now, but I need you to be strong. Keep your head up, babe, things will get better."  
"I know it will. Is dinner ready?"  
He nods. "You hungry?"  
"Yeah, I am."  
"Great."  
He leads me into the kitchen and we sit down for dinner. I take a bit of the sausage; it's delicious. He must have put in a spice or something, because it tastes different than usual.  
"The sausage tastes like garlic," I tell him.  
"It _is_ garlic. I found it at the store one day."  
I've never had garlic sausage before. It's really good.  
"How do you feel now?" he asks.  
"Much better, thanks. You're a good cook."  
It's quiet for a few minutes, and then...  
"Oh, I ran into Alex today."  
"Really?" he asks, "How did it go?"  
"Our conversation went well. We're getting along better now. She apologized to me for the way she acted while we were playing cards."  
"That's good."  
"Yeah, it is, but I realized that I don't need to worry about things like that. If she brings it up, I'll try to change the subject."  
"Good for you. I'm proud of you."  
We finish dinner and turn on the TV for Jeopardy. I know that some may find it boring, but Rick and I like it.  
"I'm still a little worried," I tell him during the commercial break.  
"About what," he asks.  
"Being pregnant."  
"Why are you so worried about that?" he asks.  
I take a deep breath; I hope he can handle the answer.  
"Because...I forgot to take a pill one time, and I now I think I might've screwed it up."  
He doesn't say anything; just stares me in total shock.  
"Why didn't you tell me this earlier?"  
"I don't know, and I should have. I'm really sorry."  
"Honey," he says, panicked, "this is scary. I don't know if I'm ready for a kid."  
"I know, I know. I should've been more careful, I'm so sorry."  
"Fern, don't keep secrets like that from me ever again, promise?"  
I nod.  
"Okay, okay," I say out loud to myself, "calm down, deep breath. It'll be fine."  
"Of course will. If we have a kid, then we have a kid. It was meant to be."  
"You just finished saying that you weren't ready."  
"I know, but, if you're really pregnant, then I can deal with it. It would be cool to have a kid."  
"What would you name it?" I ask.  
He pauses for a minute.  
"Jack."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah, little Jacky. Sounds cool doesn't it?"  
_Jack Connors_, I think to myself, _it has a ring to it_.  
"Okay," I tell him, "Jack it is. What made you think of that?"  
"I don't know," he says, "just thought it would be a cool name you know. There's a couple of famous Jacks in the world; Jack Nicholson, Jack Black, Jack Johnson, so I thought it would be cool."  
"And if it's a girl?"  
"I'm not sure. What would you call it?"  
I think about it; then the answer comes to me.  
"Sarah," I reply, "after my boss. She's been so good to me."  
"Sarah Connors; almost like the _Terminator _character."  
Alex Trebek comes back on shortly, we sit watching, getting the questions right.  
"I should be on Jeopardy," I say.  
"Really?" Rick asks, surprised.  
"Yeah, I know all the answers."  
He's even more surprised.  
"You know all the answers?"  
"Of course, it's the questions I just can't figure out."  
He fake laughs.  
"Oh my God, that was horrible," then goes back to the game.  
"Who is Elton John?"  
"Good answer," I say.  
"Rather, good question."  
We finish up the game, me getting more clues then he does, as usual.  
"How do you always win?" he asks  
"Don't know? Guess it just comes natural."  
"Lucky you."  
For the rest of the night we sit watching old reruns of classic TV shows. About 10:00 we get to bed. I lay thinking about what might happen in the future. Oh, God, I don't wanna have a kid this early; I knew I shouldn't have slept with him. I don't know why I did. I do feel connected to him when we have sex, but I never wanted it to come to this.  
"You still worried?" he asks, while I lay beside him.  
"Of course."  
"If we have a kid, you could give it up for adoption."  
"No," I say, "I couldn't do that. This would be my child; I'd wanna keep it."  
"I'm proud of you. You think that I'll be a good father?"  
I nod.  
"Better than ever."  
"Thanks, Fern. You're the best."  
"So are you."  
Okay, so maybe I lied to him a little bit, but I know that he would raise our kid well. I just hope he doesn't take his anger out on our kid the way he does on me. He has to change; if he doesn't, then I don't know what I'm gonna do. Things _have _been better, but he could go back to his old ways. God if he strikes me again... I hope everything will be alright.


End file.
